i ri^ii^ 



:|IW|y|tY-^ 



m 



jK^if«;j-^/ir>";aiz«???%5*«*«^^-^ 









1 - -^y 







x^-^ 


^''^^, 








•'/ ,^ , ^ 


v^; 




^■^' 






^ AV O 








% 


c' 


..•^.-^i^I^^^ 








:^.- 


\ 












■J" 








^ .:i 


■-/- 


> 


'k 








/ <■ 


xO^^ 






'--?•- . ,■ ' -'-'" 


-J" .-, 












/».-,,' 






















^ ^j 






•\/ 






- 




'\ 




x^^' ^. 


















\ 

0' 



-^ .s'^^./ 









A^ 






0' 









^./^ .xX^- ^ 



Oo. 



^ 






,N- » 



',0 



^.^^^ ^"'\ 



£^ 



-^.^^^' 

-.s^ % 



oo^ 






^■^ ^e 



« <5, 



:#.:r 



^^ v^ 



x^" 



Oo. 



•^ 




■^^ 


\ "-^^^ 


' x^^ 










"^^^ '^' 




^ .^'' 




«. ^""^ 


'^ o\\ -^ 


A^ 


" 4' 




p' *^ 




S^^ 


.^ "*^, 




^'" ^ 


.0'- / 




%/ 


c^ 


V> 


^ ^ " <^ , 


--* 


•^^. 


.V. 











v^"^'"' "<> 



v\ 






,^^^^ 









% .^-^ 












^^-"'^ 






v^ O 



. '^O 



•'^^- .^^'' 

.-s^-^^.. 



c- '^^ 

-X^^' '^^' 




A COMIC HISTORY 



UNITED STATES, 



BY / 

LIVINGSTON HOPKINS. 



COPIOUSLY ILLUSTRATED BY THE AUTHOR FROM SKETCHES 
TAKEN AT A SAFE DISTANCE, 



(olAJ 



NEW YORK : 

jsjM:B:iEiTaAjN book kxchjlktgj-ig, 

TRIBUNE BUILDING. 

1880. 



En? 

.H7q 



COFTRIGHTBB, 1880, BY 

L. HOPKINS. 



CONTENTS. 



PAOB. 

Chapter I. — A Few Stubborn Facts not wholly Uncon- 
nected with the Discovery of America 13 

Chapter II.— In which the Early Life of this Man 
Columbus is Inquired into — Disappointed Parents — 
The Bane of Genius — ''Pooh-Pooh !" — Convincing- 
Arguments 18 

Chapter III. — Treats of other Discoveries and Does 
Great Credit to the Author's Sense of Justice 27 

Chapter IV.— Having to his Entire Satisfaction Set- 
tled the Question as to who Discovered America, the 
Author Proceeds to Settle the Country Itself — John 
Smith is Mentioned — John Smith on the Rostrum — 
John Smith in Difficulties — The Plot Thickens as far 
as J. Smith is Concerned — The Death Penalty — Slow 
Music—* ** * Saved! 30 

Chapter V. — Treats of the Early History of Massa- 
chusetts and Makes Mention of a Pilgrim Father or 
two, also Shows what a Good Memory the Author has 
for Dates 44 

Chapter VI — Connecticut— Indian Definition Extraor- 
dinary—What the Dutch Thought of the English, and 
and what the English Thought of the Dutch — Story of 
the Charter Oak — Wooden Nutmegs Invented 50 

Chapter VII.— Rhode Island— Roger Williams " Dealt" 
With — A Desperate Dissenter 56 



8 CONTENTS. 



PAGE 

Chapter VIII. — New Hampshire— Slim Picking— An 
Effective Indian Policy — John Smith again Comes out 
Strong 59 

Chapter IX, — Some Unreliable Statements Concerning 
the Early History of New York — Traces of a Great 
Undertaking — Advance in Real Estate — "Look Here 
upon this Picture and on This " 64 

Chapter X. — A Flood of Historical Light is Let in 
upon New Jersey — Aborigines — The First Boarding 
House — Organ- Grinding as a Fine Art 69 

Chapter XI. — Pennsylvania Seen Through a Glass 
Darkly — Wm. Penn Stands Treat — A Striking Re- 
semblance — How to Preserve the Hair 74 

Chapter XII. —Maryland Settled— What's in a Name?— 
PecuKar Monetary System 77 

Chapter XIII.— Two Birds Killed with One Stone— A 
Colored Citizen Declares his Intentions — In Settling 
North and South Carolina the Author is Himself Un- 
settled 80 

Chapter XIV.— Georgia Slavery— A Dark Subject 84 

Chapter XV.— English vs. French— Pursuit of BuU- 
I Frogs under Difficulties — Truth Stranger than Fiction. 85 
Chapter XVI.— The Navigation Acts— Illicit Tooth- 
picks — A Cargo of Tea Unloaded — Pork and Beans as 

a Beverage — Rumors of War 90 

Chapter XVII.— Revolutionary — A Row at Concord — 

A Masterly Retreat— The British Count Noses 96 

Chapter XVIII —Full Account of the Battle of Bun- 
ker Hill — False Teeth and Heroism — Are Republics 
Ungrateful ? 99 

Chapter XIX.— Still Revolutionary— The First Fourth 
of July Takes Place — Declaration of Independence — 
An Able Document — Parliament is Much Moved and 
Gets out Yellow Handbills 103 



CONTENTS. 



PAGE. 

Chapter XX. — Revolutionary as Before — "Place None 
but Americans on Guard To-night " — Christmas Fes- 
tivities — Almost a Victory — A Britisher Shows Wash- 
ington Great Disrespect — Washington Crossing the 
Delaware 108 

Chapter XXI. — More Revolutionary than Ever — Lively 
Times at a Watering Place — The Stars and Stripes In- 
vented 114 

Chapter XXIT, — Imprudent Conduct of Benedict Ar- 
nold — A Real Estate Speculation — $50,000 the Price of 
Liberty (Terms Cash) — Major Andre is Seriously Com- 
promised — Suspense — Evil Communications — A Tale- 
Bearing Yellow Dog 117 

Chapter XXIII. — The Affairs of the Revolution Wound 
Up — Cornwallis Steps Down and Out 131 

Chapter XXIV. — An Incident of the Revolution 135 

Chapter XXV. — This History Dabbles in Politics much 
against its Wishes — Preliminary Observations — A Chap- 
ter of Accidents and Presidents — "Lives of Great 
Men all Remind us " 146 

Chapter XXVI. — Progress— Our Patent Office Report 
— Is Necessity the Mother of Invention ? —A Case in 
Contradiction— Electrical Kite — The Cotton Gin — The 
First Railway Train— The First Steamboat— The 
Printing Press— The Atlantic Cable — Mormonism — 
An Apparatus — Art Matters 184 

Chapter XXVII. — Some Aboriginal Ideas — Wise Men 
at Work — Mound Building from Force of Habit — Sub- 
terranean Miscellany — The Lost Tribe Theory Won't 
Do — Autograph Specimen of Picture Writing — Light 
at Last — Picturesque Habits of the Indians 206 

Chapter XXVIII. — American Scenery 216 

Chapter XXIX. — Some Word Painting on the Subject 
of the American Eagle — The Affairs of this Strange, 
Eventful Histoiy Wound Up 220 



PREMONITORY SYMPTOMS. 

The compilation of a history of any country is a 
serious matter, and should not be entered upon 
rashly. Before undertaking the present work, 
therefore, the author deliberated for twenty-nine 
years and six months, and then, having consulted 
the best legal as well as medical authorities, entered 
upon the task with fear and trembling. " Let me," 
he said to himself, "write the comic history of my 
native land, and I care not who makes the laws or 
the poetry." He hired a vacant lot on Nassau 
Street, and fenced it in, and there, surrounded by 
the paraphernalia of literature and art, he went to 
work with pen and pencil to jot down the leading 
incidents of American history to the best of a some- 
what defective memory, and with all the enthusiasm 
of youth and a bilious temperament. 

The illustrations have been our chief care, though 
the letterpress will be found equally reliable. It 
was our original plan to flavor these pages with a 
spice of romance, but after a prolonged altercation 



12 PREMONITORY SYMPTOMS. 

with Mr. Aldeu, our publisher, we decided to adhere 
strictly to facts. If the reader should happen to 
detect any slight anachronism in this work, or has 
reason to suspect that the unities have been lost 
sight of in a single instance, he will please notify 
us as early as possible. 

When it first became noised abroad that we con- 
templated bringing out an illustrated history of the 
United States, we were deluged with letters from a 
host of well-disposed persons, such as Thomas Car- 
lyle, James Parton, Wendell Phillips, and others of 
more or less literary ability, offering to " Avrite up " 
to our pictures. Mr. Carlyle said he could do it nights. 
But the public was not to be trifled with, so we 
resolved to put our shoulder to the literary as well 
as the artistic wheel, as it were, and we flatter our- 
selves we have demonstrated in these pages that 
truth is more of a stranger than fiction. 



CHAPTER I. 

k FEW STUBBORN PACTS NOT WHOLLY UNCONNECTED 
WITH THE DISCOVERY OP AMERICA. 

The sun was just sinking below tlie west 
tern horizon on the evening of September 
11th, 1492, when a respectably dresssd 
personage of sea-faring appearance might 
have been seen occupying an elevated posi- 
tion in the rigging of a Spanish ship, and 
gazing intently out over a vast expanse 
of salt water upon what at first sight ap- 
peared to be an apple dumpling of colossal 
proportions, but which, upon more careful 
inspection subsequently turned out to be 

a NEW WORLD. 



14 ''VENL VIDir 

We will not keep the reader longer in 
suspense ; that sea-faring man was Chris- 
topher Columbus, and the object which at- 
tracted his attention was America ! 

This adventurous person had sailed from 
the port of Palos, in Spain, on the 3d of 
August with the avowed purpose of '* see- 
ing the world;" and who, thinking he 
might as well see a new world while he 
was about it, sailed in the direction of 
America. 

For further particulars the reader is re- 
ferred to the accompanying sketch, which, 
with startling fidelity, portrays the scene 
at the thrilling moment when a new conti- 
nent bursts upon the bold navigator's vis- 
ion. Pray cast your eye aloft and behold 
the great Christopher discovering America 
as hard as ever he can. The flashing eye, 



16 AN EXCITED NATIVE. 

the dilating nostril, the heaving bosom, the 
trembling limbs, the thrilling nerves, the 
heroic pose, all vigorously set forth in a 
style which speaks volumes — ^nay, whole 
libraries for our artist's graphic power and 
knowledge of anatomy. We will next 
trouble the reader to let the eye wander 
ofE to the dim distance, where the new 
world looms majestically up, and stands 
out boldly against the setting sun, previous 
ly alluded to, which illuminates the scene 
with* golden splendor, and bathes the new 
born continent in a flood of dazzling light. 
If the patient reader will be good enough 
to examine this picture with a powerful 
microscope, he will discover, standing upon 
the utmost prominence of the new world, 
and in imminent danger of falling off, a 
citizen of the country who welcomes the 



AN ENVIABLE SITUATION, 17 

stranger with uplifted tomahawk and a 
wild war-whoop. 

Lifting our eyes skyward we see the 
American eagle soaring forth to meet the 
great discoverer, with outstretched pinions, 
and bringing his whole family with him. 
We confess that we, for one, cannot gaze 
upon this scene without envying Mr. Co- 
lumbus the luxury of his emotions and 
wishing we knew where there was a new 
world lying about loose that we might go 
right off and discover it. 



CHAPTER IL 

IN WHICH THE EARLY LIFE OP THIS MAN COLUMBUS IS 
INQUIRED INTO — DISAPPOINTED PARENTS— THE BANE 
OF GENIUS — "POOH - POOH !" — CONVINCING ARGU- 
MENTS. 

Christopher Columbus was born at Ge- 
noa in Italy, a country chiefly famous for 
its talented organ-grinders. The youthful 
Christopher soon made the melancholy dis- 
covery that he had no talent in that direc- 
tion. His tastes the rather took a scientific 
turn. This was a sad blow to his fond pa- 
rents, who did hope their son would take a 
turn at the hurdy-gurdy instead. 

His aged f athei* pointed out that Science 



PARENTAL SOLICITUDE. 19 

was low and unprofitable, Geology was a 
humbug, Meteorology and Madness were 
synonymous terms, and Astronomy ought 
to be spelled with two S's. 

In vain his doting mother gently sought 
to woo him to loftier aims, and, in the f ond- 
Dess of a mother's love, even presented him 
with a toy barrel-organ which played three 
bars of "Turn, sinner, turn," in the hope 
that it might change the whole current of 
his life ; but the undutif ul child immediate- 
ly traded it off to another boy for a bam- 
boo fishing rod, out of which he construct- 
ed a telescope, and he used to lie upon his 
back for hours, far, far into the night, 
catching cold and scouring the heavens with 
this crude invention. One night his sorrow- 
stricken parents found him thus, and they 
knew from that moment that all was lost! 



AN APPALLINO REFLECTION. 21 

Our hero took to the water naturally 
very early in life. Let the youth of Amer- 
ica remember this. Let the youth of every 
land who contemplate discovering new 
worlds remember that strong drink is fa- 
tal to the discovery business; for it is our 
candid opinion, that, had Christopher 
Columbus taken to, say strong coffee in his 
very earliest infancy, the chances are that 
America would never have had a Centen- 
nial, and these pages had never been writ- 
ten. Two circumstances which the stout- 
est heart among us cannot for a moment 
contemplate without a shudder. 

When Columbus reached man's estate 
ht became a hard student, and spent the 
most of his time in his library, 

' ' Reading books that never mortal 
Ever dared to read before." 




^^4^Ar^4/^j^a/^di^/^f^^<^^i'4^ 



POOH! POOH! 23 

His mind, consequently, soared beyond 
tlie pale of mere existing facts and circum- 
stances, and sought to fold its eager pinions 
on lofty roosting places yet undiscovered. 
And thus it was, that, after revolving 
the matter in his mind for forty years or 
more, Columbus arrived at the conclusion 
that the earth was round, not flat, (as was the 
popular belief at that time,) and boldly 
said so in round terms. People called him 
a lunatic, an original character, and other 
harsh names, and otherwise pooh-pooh'd 
the idea. 

But Columbus not only adhered to his 
theory, but went so far as to assert that by 
sailing due west from Europe you would, 
if you kept on sailing, bring up somewhere 
in eastern Asia. 

" Oh, come now, Christopher ! really, this 




24 



ISABELLA INTERVIEWED. 25 

is going to far ! " is what public opinion 
said, and wlien our liero petitioned the 
Italian Congress to fit out an expedition 
and let him prove his theory, it magnani- 
mously offered to set him up in business 
with a first-class barrel-organ and an edu- 
cated monkey cashier on condition of his 
leaving the country once for all ; but Co- 
lumbus, expressing his regret for his lack 
of musical ability, declined this generous 
offer and turned with a sigh to other gov- 
ernments for assistance. Finally, after fif- 
teen years of effort, he succeeded in con- 
vincing Queen Isabella of Spain that there 
was an undiscovered country beyond the 
seas, overflowing with milk and honey, 
which it would be worth while to " work 
up." He proved his theory with the aid 
of an Qgg^ (which he made stand on end,) 



26 THE FLIGHT OF TEARS. 

an old Boston City Directory, and a ground 
plan of Philadelphia, (see school books,) 
and demonstrated to the good lady's entire 
satisfaction that she might realize largely 
by fitting out an expedition and let him at 
its head go and discover it. 

So conclusive were these arguments to 
the mind of Queen Isabella that the good 
old soul allowed him to fit out an expedi- 
tion at his own expense, and gave him 
cai'te blanche to discover America as 
much as he wanted to. We have seen how 
well he succeeded. All this took place three 
hundred and eighty-three years, four 
months, and ^ve days ago, but it seems. to 
us but yesterday. 

Ah ! how time flies ! 



CHAPTER III. 

TREATS OF OTHER DISCOVERIES AND DOES GREAT CREDIT 
TO THE author's SENSE OP JUSTICE. 

On the return of Columbus to Spain, he 
published a map of his voyage in one of the 
illustrated papers of the day. Through 
the courtesy of the publishers of that pa- 
per we are enabled to place this map before 
our readers. 

Here it is translated from the original 
Spanish. If the gentle reader can make 
head or tail of it he is more gentle even than 
we had at first supposed. The publication 
of this map at the time naturally inspired 
others with the spirit of adventure, and 



''HONOR TO WHOM HONOR" 29 

discovering America became quile the 
rage. Indeed, so common were voyages of 
discovery to tlie New World, that only 
one besides that of Columbus is deemed of 
sufficient note to find a place in this his- 
tory. We allude to that of Americus 
Vespucius. 

This gentleman, who was a Florentine 
by birth, made a voyage to South Amer- 
ica in 1499. He wrote sensational letters 
to tlie papers describing his voyage and 
the country, which were afterwards pub- 
lished in book form by a German geo- 
grapher, who gave the name " America " to 
the ISTew World, but this history cheerfully 
accords to ^Christopher Columbus the im- 
perishable glory of finding out the roost- 
ing-place of the American eagle. 

* Mr. Columbus is better known as the author of that 
Boul-stirring melody, " Hail Columbia I " 



CHAPTER IV. 

HAVING TO HIS ENTIRE SATISFACTION SETTLED TKB 
QUESTION AS TO WHO DISCOVERED AMERICA, THE 
AUTHOR PROCEEDS TO SETTLE THE COUNTRY ITSELF — 
JOHN SMITH IS MENTIONED — JOHN SMITH ON THE 
ROSTRUM — JOHN SMITH IN DIFFICULTIES — THE PLOT 
THICKENS AS FAR AS J. SMITH IS CONCERNED — THK 
DEATH PENALTY — SLOW MUSIC — * * * * SAVED I 

It was a century or more after the events 
narrated in tlie last chapter before any at- 
tempt was made to establish a colony in 
America, or before civilization got any 
permanent foothold. 

In 1606 a certain "London company" 
got out a patent on Virginia, and the next 
year sent over a ship-load of old bachelors 



.32 VISION A R T HOPES. 

to settle its claim. They landed at JameS' 
town in the month of May, and here the 
wretched outcasts went into lodgings for 
single gentlemen. 

The whole country was a howling wil- 
derness, overrun with Indians, wild beasts 
and Jersey mosquitoes. 
. These hardy pioneers had come to an 
unexplored region with a vague, general 
idea that they were to dig gold, trade 
with the Indians, get enormously rich and 
return home. So sanguine were they of 
speedy success that they planted nothing 
that year. The few sandwiches they had 
brought with them were soon consumed, 
the gold did not " pan out," the Indians 
drove very hard bargains, offering a ready 
market for hair, but giving little or nothing 
in return. 




,.,^']^J^i^j'/yy^^ -sr^AArrjtcr/ff/K ^ 



34 J. SMITH, ESQ. 

To make matters worse, the Fevernager. 
a terrible disease of the period, got among 
them, and by fall only a handful of the colon- 
ists remained, and these were a very shaky 
lot indeed, with not clothing enough among 
them to wad a shot-gun. 

Among this seedy band was one John 
Smith, who, being out of funds himself, 
and a public spirited person withal, saw 
that unless provisions could be obtained 
shortly, the scheme of colonizing America 
would be a failure. 

He went into the lecture field, holding 
forth to large and fashionable audiences, 
composed of intelligent savages, upon the 
science of navigation, illustrating his lecture 
with an old mariner's compass that indicat- 
ed all four of the cardinal points at once, 
and a superannuated bulls-eye watch that 



36 -3^-ff. SMITH MISUNDERSTOOD. 

would do nothing but tick. These simple- 
minded children of nature listened with 
attentive ears, and looked on with wonder- 
ing e3^es, and came down largely with green 
corn, sardines, silk hats, hard boiled eggs, 
fall overcoats, pickled oysters, red hand- 
kerchiefs, ice cream, dried herring, kid 
gloves, pickled tripe, and other Indian 
luxuries, which proved invaluable to the 
starving, threadbare colonists. Thus it is 
seen that Mr. Smith obtained on ticld^ what 
he had no cash to pay for. 

Although Mr. Smith was regarded as a 
talented man from a scientific point of view, 
and was even mentioned in the native 
papers as undoubtedly a god, yet he was 
sometimes grossly misunderstood by these 



* The reader may occasionally find this sort of thing in 
these pages but he is entreated not to be startled. 



TEE PLOT COAGULATES. 37 

artless aborigines, and on one occasion they 
arrested liini on a general charge of hocus- 
pocus or witchcraft, and carried him before 
Chief Justice Powhatan to be tried for his 
life. 

The jury brought in a verdict of " guilty" 
on all the counts, and the hapless Smith 
was condemned to death. His counsel did 
all they could to establish an alibi, but in 
vain. It was a clear case ; a fair trial had 
been given their pale brother and he must 
suffer the penalty. As a last resort, Mr. 
Smith offered, first, his bull's-eye watch, 
and finally, the old mariner's compass, for 
his life, but Judge Powhatan could not see 
the point. He had never seen a white man 
die, and was panting for a new sensation. 
He therefore ordered the entertainment to 
proceed without more delay. 



38 AN EMBARASSING POSITION. 

HaviEg previously had his scalp re- 
moved, the doomed man thanked his captors 
for all their kindness, and requesting the 
executioner to make a good job of it, placed 
his head upon the fatal block. The dread 
instrument of death was uplifted, and Mr. 
Smith was really apprehensive that his 
time had come. He closed his eyes and 
whistled the plaintive air, 

*' Who will care for my mother-in-law now ? " 

There was a hush of pleasant anticipa- 
tion — a deadly silence — you might have 
heard a pin drop — indeed, you might have 

heard ten pins drop. 

•^ jf * * * * * 

At this supreme moment Pocahontas, the 
beautiful and accomplished daughter of 
Judge Powhatan, appeared upon the scene, 
tastefully dressed as a ballet girl, and using 



40 -4 CLOSE SHAVE. 

some pretty strong arguments with liei 
father, obtained from him a stay of pro 
ceedings, and the prisoner's life was spared. 

Powhatan apologized to Mr. Smith for 
the loss of his hair, and handsomely offered 
to buy him a wig. John admitted that it 
was rather a closer shave than he had been 
accustomed to, but at the same time he 
begged the learned gentleman not to men- 
tion it, and made the best of his way back 
to Jamestown laden with presents, which 
were subsequently stolen by the donors. 

Many persons look upon this incident as 
apocryphal, but we are prepared to assure 
them upon personal knowledge of its 
truthfulness. For, during a brief but 
bloodless campaign in Virginia in 1864, 
whither we had gone as a gory " hundred 
day's man " to put down the Rebellion, six- 



SOME STRONG ASSERTIONS. 41 

teen different identical spots were pointed 
out to us where Pocahontas saved the life 
of Captain Smith. 

If there be any lingering doubt in the 
mind of any one we point him in triumph 
to any of our ably written city directories, 
the careful perusal of which will convince 
the most sceptical mind of Mr. Smith's 
safety. 

Pocahontas afterwards married a young 
English lord, (our American girls marry 
titles whenever they get the chance,) and 
at last accounts was doing very well. 

Mr. Smith was elected president, by a 
large majority, of the little colony, which 
began to thrive henceforth, and was soon 
reinforced by other adventurers from Eng- 
land. 

In the fall of 1609 Mr. Smith was com. 



A MERE DETAIL. 43 

pelled to return to England on account of 
a boil on liis neck, or to have a tooth 
drawn, we forget whicli — ^but that is a mere 
detail. 

Virginia became a fixed fact, and in 1664 
was ceded to the Crown of Great Britain, 
which maintained jurisdiction over it until 
about the year 1776. On page 42 we re- 
produce the great Seal of Virginia. The 
allegory is so strikingly and beautifully 
obvious as to need no further elucidation. 



CHAPTER V. 

TREATS OP THE EARLY HISTORY OF MASSACHTJ8ETTS AND 
MAKES MENTION OF A PILGRIM FATHER OR TWO, ALSO 
SHOWS WHAT A GOOD MEMORY THE AUTHOR HAS FOR 
DATES. 

Massacliusetts was first settled by Pilgrim 
Fathers who sailed from England in the 
year 1620 on board the May Flour ^ giving 
directions to the captain to set them down 
at some place where they could enjoy re- 
ligions freedom, trusting rather to his 
knowledge of Navigation than of Theolo- 
gy to land them at the right place. 

Thinking wild savages least likely to 
entertain pronounced religious prejudices, 
the captain of the May Flour bethought 



46 ''LAND HOr' 

him of America, and landed them hap*liaz- 
ardat Plymouth, Massachusetts, on the 21st 
of December, 1620. The Pilgrims made 
themselves as comfortable on Plymouth 
Rock as possible, and formed a treaty with 
the Indians which lasted several days. 

The accompanying sketch not only accu- 
rately illustrates the event just narrated, 
but gives us a faithful and striking portrait 
of each of the Pilgrim Fathers, which vrill 
be immediately recognized by all their 
acquaintances. The drawing is made from 
a photograph taken on the spot by an 
artistic Pilgrim, who brought his camera 
with him, hoping to turn a penny by pho- 
tographing the natives. We may here 
incidentally remark that his first native 
" subject," dissatisfied with the result of a 
" sitting," scalped the artist and confiscated 







m: 



47 



48 THE PILGRIM FATHERS. 

his camera, which he converted into a inide 
sort of accordion. This instrument was 
the cause in a remote way of the ingenious 
native's death, for he was promptly assassi- 
nated by his indignant neighbors. Let the 
young man over the way, who has recently 
traded his mother's flat-irons for a concer- 
tina, take warning. 

As some of our readers may not know 
what a Pilgrim Father is, and as it is the 
business of this book to make straio^ht all 
the crooked paths of history, we beg to 
state that a Pilgrim Father is a fellow who 
believes in hard-money piety, if we may be 
allowed the expression, and with whom no 
paper substitute will pass current. All 
others are counterfeit, and none genuine 
without the signature, " Puritan." 

Having come so far to enjoy religious 



ASSERT THEMSELVES. 49 

freedom, tlie Puritans took it unkind if any 
one ventured to differ witli them. Our 
illustration shows their style of reforming 
Quakers in 1G56. They used, as will be 
seen, a very irresistible line of argument, 
and the dissenting party thus " dealt" with 
generally found it useless to combat old- 
established prejudices. 

It is not for the unimpassioned historian 
to comment upon such a system of ortho- 
doxy. We will say, however, that the 
Puritans meant well, and were on the 
whole worthy sort of persons. At any 
rate, Plymouth Rock was a success, and 
may be seen to this day (with certain 
modifications) in the identical spot where 
the Pilgrim Fathers found it. 



CHAPTER VI 

CONNECTICUT — INDIAN DEFINITION EXTRAORDINARY — 
WHAT THE DUTCH THOUGHT OP THE ENGLISH, AND 
WHAT THE ENGLISH THOUGHT OF THE DUTCH — STORY 
OP THE CHARTER OAK — WOODEN NUTMEGS INVENTED. 

Connecticut is an Indian word and sig- 
nifies Long Rive7\ We know, because all 
tlie Indian dictionaries we ever read right 
througli give this definition. 

In lfi36, if our memory serves us, Con- 
necticut was claimed by both the Dutch 
and English, who had a long dispute about 
it. Neither faction comprehended what 
the dispute was about, as the Dutch did 
not understand English nor the English 
Dutch. All the Dutch knew was that 



A CHARTER. 61 

their antagonists were tarn Yankees^ and 
the latter were equally clear that theirs 
were hlarsted Dutchmen in the worst sense 
of the word, and thus the matter stood 
when, fortunately, an interpreter arrived 
through whom the quarrel was conducted 
more understandingly. It ended in favor 
of the English. 

The Dutch, it would appear, turned 
out to be less blarsted than was at first 
supposed, and, shaking the dust from 
their wooden shoes, emigrated to New 
Jersey. 

In the year 1636 it occurred to King 
Charles II to grant Connecticut a charter, 
which, considered as a charter, was a great 
hit. It gave the people the power to govern 
themselves. Whenever a Connecticutian 
traveled abroad folks said, "There goes 



62 FLATTMBINQ ATTENTIONS. 

the Governor of Connecticut," and he really 
felt himself a man of consequence. 

This charter was afterwards annulled by 
King James II on his accession to the 
throne, who feared, no doubt, that the 
people of Connecticut would govern them- 
selves too much, as the population was in- 
creasing rapidly. He appointed a Gov- 
ernor from among his poor relations and 
sent him over to take charge of Connecti- 
cut. 

Connecticut it seems rather took care of 
him than otherwise. He varied the mo- 
notony of a brief public career by making 
sundry excursions on rail-back, if we may 
be allowed the expression, under the au- 
spices of an excited populace. He found 
the climate too hot to be agreeable, partic- 
olarly as his subjects presented him with a 



THE CEARTER ALL OAK K 63 

beautiful Ulster overcoat of cold tar and 
and goose feathers, and common politeness 
compelled him to wear it. Need we say 
the new Governor begged to be recalled ? 

In the meantime the charter given by- 
Charles II was not destroyed. It was 
taken care of by Captain Wads worth, who 
hid with it in a hollow oak tree, where he 
remained until the death of the despotic 
James, which, fortunately, was only about 
four years, when King William, a real 
nice man, ascended the throne, and he sat 
down and wrote to Captain Wadsworth, 
begging he would not inconvenience himself 
further on his (William's) account. It was 
then that the Charter Oak gave back the 
faded document and Captain Wadsworth, 
both in a somewhat dilapidated condition. 

While confined in the hollow tree the 



FICTITIOUS NUTMEGS, 66 

Captain beguiled the tedium of restricted 
liberty by inventing the wooden nutmeg, a 
number of which he whittled out of bits of 
wood taken from the walls of his prison. 
He subsisted almost exclusively upon these 
during the four years of his voluntary in- 
carceration, and immediately after his 
release got out a patent on his invention, 
which he afterwards " swapped " ofE to a 
professor in Yale College, who, we under- 
stand, made a handsome fortune out of it. 
Thus it ever is that patriotism and 
self-abnegation for the public weal meets 
with ample reward. 



CHAPTER VIL 

RHODE ISLAND — ROGER WILLIAMS " DEALT " WITH — A 
DESPERATE DISSENTER. 

Rhode Island was first settled by a des* 
perate character named Roger Williams, 
who was banished by the Puritans from 
Massachusetts because he entertained cer- 
tain inflammatory views decidedly antago- 
nistic to the enjoyment of religious freedom, 
namely : that all denominations of Chris- 
tianity ought to be protected in the new 
colony. 

This, of course, was mere heresy upon the 
face of it, and our forefathers proceeded to 
" deal " with Brother Williams in the true 



68 APOSTAGT OF B. WILLIAMS, 

Puritanic style, when the misguided man 
bade them a hasty farewell and left on the 
first train for Rhode Island. 

He brought up in a camp of Narragan- 
sett Indians, whom he found more liberal 
in their religious views. 

The blind and bigoted Williams, with a 
few other reneorades from the Puritan 
stronghold, established a colony at the 
head of Narragansett Bay, which they 
called Providence. 

Other settlements soon sprang up, and 
the hardened sinner Williams went to 
England and obtained a charter which 
united all the settlements into one colony. 

At the beginning of the Revolution 
Rhode Island had a population of 50,000 
blinded bigots. 



CHAPTER Yin, 

NEW HAMPSHIRE— SLIM PICKING — AJJ EFFECTIVE INDIAN 
POLICY— JOHN SMITH AGAIN COMES OUT STRONG. 

New Hampsliire was a sicHy cliild from 
tlie first, and of somewliat uncertain parent 
age. It was claimed by many proprietors? 
wlio were continually involved in lawsuits. 
Its soil was not very fertile, and yielded 
little else than Indians and lawyers. The 
former were the most virulent of which any 
of the colonies could boast, and the lattei 
were of the young and " rising " sort. 

These two elements managed to make it 
extremely lively for the average colonist, 
who was scalped upon the one hand and 



A MAN OF THE NAME OF SMITH. 61 

** skinned " upon the other. At first the 
homy-handed son of toil fondly hoped to 
raise corn, but owing to the poverty of the 
soil it was a day's journey from hill to hill, 
and as much as a man's scalp was worth to 
undertake to travel it. At harvest time 
there was an immense crop of cobble stones 
and no market for them. 

Fortunately, in time the lawyers became 
starved out, but two great drawbacks to 
prosperity yet remained ; sterility of soil 
and hostile Indians. 

But the time was at hand when both 
these evils were to be remedied. His name 
was Smith — John Smith, of course — who 
readily undertook the contract of not only 
exterminating the Indians, but of fertiliz- 
ing the soil. 

To accomplish the first of these great 



62 SMITH'S INDIAN POLICY. 

ends, he disguised himself as a medicine 
man, and went boldly among the noble red 
men, inducting them into the mysteries of 
the manufacture and consumption of New 
England rum. He found them apt pupils, 
and it was not long before every Red of 
them, from the biggest sachem to the latest 
papoose, could not only distill his own fire- 
water, but drink it, too. 

There was soon a very noticeable thinning 
out in the ranks of the noble red men, and 
a good deal was said about the setting sun. 

The fire-water did its work thoroughly^ 
and the colonists were at length masters of 
the situation so far as Indians were con- 
cerned. 

The next thing was to make the land 
productive. This was a more laborious 
and tedious undertaking than the first, but 



AQRIGULTURAL. 63 

Jolin Smith wa8 equal to the emergency. 
He caused dirt to be carted from a neigh- 
boring State until the rocky surface of 
New Hampshire was completely covered 
with a rich sandy loam a foot or two deep. 
The people raised " some pumpkins" after 
that, we are informed. 

Thus was agriculture established on a 
solid basis, and New Hampshire made 
rapid progress. 

All honor to John Smith. 



CHAPTER IX. 

BOME UNRELIABLE STATEMENTS CONCERNING THE EARIiV 
HISTORY OF NEW YORK — TRACES OF A GREAT UN- 
DERTAKING-ADVANCE IN REAL ESTATE — " LOOK HERB 
UPON THIS PICTURE, AND ON THIS." 

New York was discovered in 1609 by 
one Henry Hudson, an Eglishmanby birth, 
but to all intents and purposes a Dutch- 
man, being then in the service of Holland. 

Immediately on his arrival he began the 
work of building a bridge across the East 
river, which, it is feared, he never was 
able to finish. Traces of this quaint struc- 
ture are plainly to be seen to this day, and 
have been known, time out of mind, as the 
" New East Eiver Bridge." 



THEN AND NOW. 65 

Manhattan Island, upon wHcli New Yorlj 
now stands, was settled by the Dutch, who 
called it New Netherlands (afterwards 
New Amsterdam). They bought it of the 
Indians, paying for the entire island the 
fabulous sum of twenty-five dollars, and 
liquidated the purchase with fire-water; 
but that was before the panic, when there 
was more " confidence " in business circles 
than now, and there had been as yet no 
inflation talk. 

New York has changed hands since then, 
and we understand the property has en- 
hanced in value somewhat. We doubt 
very much if the island could be bought 
to-day for double the price originally paid 
for it, even the way times are now. 

Any one comparing the two pictures 
accompanying this chapter will see how 



SABBATH DAT THOUGHTS. 67 

marvelously we have improved since tlie 
days of the Dutch. No. 1 is copied from 
an old print, dating back to 1620, and is 
warranted wholly reliable. It is undoubt- 
edly the Sabbath day, for in the foreground 
is seen an influential citizen of the period, 
who has come down to the Battery to 
meditate and fish for eels. He is thinking 
" How many ages hence will this, his lofty 
scene, be acted over." Presently he will 
catch an eel. 

Sketch No. 2 is of more recent origin, 
and was taken from our artist's window. 
When this picture was first drawn the 
Brooklyn pier of the bridge was plainly 
discernible in the background. But since 
then our landlord, who is a German, and 
conducts a restaurant on Teutonic principles 
on the ground floor, has humanely run up 



68 A TEUTONIC 8TRUGTUBB. 

a vent-pipe from Hs kitchen opposite oui 
window, wliicli necessarily excludes the 
picturesque ruin of the bridge from view. 
The reader will observe that nothing is 
now visible but a tall square sheet iron 
tube and an overpowering sense of garlic, 
which destroy at once our view and our 
appetite. 



CHAPTER X. 

A FLOOD OP HISTOKICAL LIGHT IS LET IN UPON NE'W 
JERSEY — ABORIGINES — THE FIRST BOARDING HOUSE — 
ORGAN-GRINDING AS A FINE ART. 

Not many generations ago New Jersey 
was a buzzing wilderness — howling would 
be a misnomer, as the tuneful mosquito had 
it all to himself. 

*'His right there was none to dispute." 

The tuneful mosquito was, in fact, your 
true New Jersey aboriginal, and we do 
not hesitate to assert that the wilderness 
buzzed. But the time came at last when 
the wilderness of New Jersey was to have 
something else to do. 

In the year (confound it ! what yeai 



AN AXIOM, 71 

was it now?) a select company of colonists 
landed at Hoboken, led by one Philip 
Carteret. The latter carried with him a 
large supply of agricultural implements to 
remind the colonists that they must rely 
mainly upon the cultivation of cabbages, 
and devote their energies more or less to 
the manufacture of Apple Jack for their 
livelihood. But he soon saw his erroi', and 
immediately cabled over for a supply of 
mosquito nets to instill into their minds the 
axiom that " self-preservation is the first 
law of nature." 

Mr. Carteret opened a boarding house 
in Hoboken, to be conducted on strictly 
temperance principles, and devoted liis 
leisure to the civilizing of the aborigines ; 
but his efforts in this direction were 
crowned with but partial success. 



72 THE ABORIQINAL MOSQUITO. 

It is an historical, but not the less melan 
choly fact, that the aboriginal inhabitants 
of any country become effete as civiliza- 
tion advances. And thus it happens that, 
although the mosquito has been handed 
down to us in modern times, we only be- 
hold him in a modified form. That he has 
not yet entirely lost his sting, the compiler 
of this work personally ascertained during 
a four years' exile in Hoboken. For all 
that the Jersey mosquito of to-day is but 
an echo, as it tvere, of his ancestor of 
colonial times. How thankful should we 
be then that we were not early settlers. 

Hoboken is the capital of New Jersey, 
and is principally inhabited by Italian 
barons in disguise, who consecrate their 
lives exclusively to the study of that king 
of musical instruments, the barrel-organ. 



ELT8IAN PASTIMES. 73 

The Elysian Fields, just north of Hobo- 
ken, is a sylvan retreat where the elite of 
the adjacent cities congregate on Sunday 
afternoons to play base-ball and strew 
peanut shells o'er the graves of departed 
car-horses. 



CHAPTER XL 

PENNSTLVAJSriA SEEN THROUGH A GLASS DABKLT — WM. 
PENN STANDS TREAT — A STRIKING RE8EMRLANCE — 
HOW TO PRESERVE THE HAIR. 

The first colony of Pennsylvania was 
founded in 1682 by Wm. Penn, a Quaker 
gentleman of steady habits, who, with re- 
markable foresight settled at Philadelphia, 
because he thought it an eligible place to 
to hold a Centennial Exhibition. He took 
out naturalization papers, and began by 
studying the prejudices of the natives 
with a view to getting upon the good 
side of them. He smoked the calumet of 
peace with them and treated them to hard 



76 WM. PENN BUYS PROPERTY, 

cider, under the mellowing influence of 
whicli they said lie was like " Onas." How 
well lie deserved this compliment the 
reader will comprehend at once by refer- 
ence to the accompanying illustration. 
The coincidence of resemblance is indeed 
striking, though it must be admitted he is 
not unlike a cigar sign either. 

Wm. Penn bought property in Philadel- 
phia, where he resided for thirty-six years, 
getting along very well v^th the neighbors. 
In proof of which we may mention that in 
1718 he went back to England very well off 
indeed, where he died and was buried in his 
own hair. 



CHAPTER XIL 

MARYLAND SETTLED — WHAT'S IN A NAME? — ^PECULIAR 
MONETARY SYSTEM. 

Lord Baltimore was the oldest inhabit- 
ant of Maryland. He named it after Mrs. 
Charles II, whose maiden name was Hen- 
rietta Maria. 

The name Henrietta Marialand was 
found rather unhandy for so small a 
province, so he afterwards cut it down to 
Maryland, 

The first settlement was made at the 
mouth of the Potomac river by a colony 
of English ladies and gentlemen. They 
lived chiefly upon green corn and tobacco, 



78 FINANCIAL POLICY. 

wMcli they cultivated in large quantities. 
When they ran out of funds the latter sta- 
ple became their currency — the leaf tobacco 
being the paper money or "greenbacks," and 
the same dried, mixed with molasses and 
pressed into blocks or "plugs," represented 
specie or " hard money." During the 
growth of the crop it was customary for 
the capitalist to dig up his stalks every 
night before going to bed, (previously 
watering them,) and lock them up in a 
patent burglar-proof safe, getting up be- 
fore sunrise next morning to replant them. 
The inflation or depression of the money 
market depended more or less upon the 
success of the tobacco crop, and as the soil 
was new there was seldom a panic. One 
phase of the old Maryland monetary sys- 
tem is graphically set forth on page 79. 




f jL/C(UiO/<T/0 



V" 



CHAPTER XIII. 

TWO BIRDS KILLED WITH ONE STONE— A COLORED 
CITIZEN DECLARES HIS INTENTIONS — IN SETTLING 
NORTH AND SOUTH CAROLINA THE AUTHOR IS HIMSELP 
UNSETTLED. 

The early history of the Carolinas has 
few cheerful phases. The first settlers 
were Puritans, who, finding the business 
unprofitable, sold out and went to speculat- 
ing in real estate. Preyed upon by specu- 
lators and Indians, as Carolina was, few 
inducements were held out to emigrants of 
good moral character. Happily, however, 
about the beginning of the eighteenth cen- 
tury a distinguished colored gentleman poet 







81 



82 PORTRAIT IN COLOR. 

ically but forcibly announced his intention 
of emigrating to North Carolina " Wid de 
banjo on his knee," — or was it Alabama? 
perhaps it was, but no matter. We are 
positive as to the banjo at any rate. It is 
a matter of regret that he selected so 
unagricultural an instrument to begin life 
with in a new colony. 

On page 81 we give a reliable portrait 
of this individual of color. 



CHAPTER XIY, 

GEORGIA — SLAVERY— A DARK SUBJECT. 

Georgia was first settled in 1732 by one 
hundred and twenty emigrants (not to 
mention a surreptitious yellow dog that fol- 
lowed them over) led by James Ogle- 
thorpe. 

Civilization advanced but slowly at first 
owing to the prohibition of rum and slavery. 
Twenty years later, however, Georgia was 
annexed to the Crown, and these two civil- 
izing influences were brought to bear upon 
society. Georgia made rapid strides after 
that. 



CHAPTER XV. 

ENGLISH VS. FRENCH — PURSUIT OF BULL-FROGS UNDER 
DIFFICULTIES — TRUTH STRANGER THAN FICTION. 

Althougli the English were tlie oldest 
inhabitants, it would seem they were not 
to hold their new possessions undisputed. 

The fame of the fledgeling continent 
spread abroad, and people all over the 
world packed up their loins and girdled 
their traveling bags for a journey hither. 
Even France was suddenly seized with the 
emigrating fever, and soon became Eng- 
land's principal rival in the new country. 

She had heard of the American bull-frog 
as being the largest in the world, and ere 



86 FATAL MISTAKE. 

long the banks of the Mississippi from its 
source to the Gulf were studded with huts 
whose owners had left their homes in sun- 
ny France in quest of frogs and freedom in 
a foreign clime. 

Perched on yonder oscillating snag in mid 
stream, or wading waist deep in the dismal 
bayou, armed with fishing tackle, his bronzed 
forehead furrowed with care and his hook 
baited with red flannel, the sanguine Gaul 
sought to tempt the sonorous bull-frog from 
his native lair. Too often, alas ! he sur- 
prised the aggressive alligator in his native 
lair, fatally mistaking him for a first-class 
bull-frog of some rare species. Many an 
unwary Frenchman was taken in thus, but 
frogs were hunted with unabated vigor, and 
eveiy day brought ship-loads of enthusiastic 
adventurers from the sunny land of France. 



ENOLISH VERSUS FRENCH. 87 

So long as the Frenclimen confined 
themselves to the frogs, (and the alligators 
confined themselves to the Frenchmen,) 
their English brethren tolerated them ; but 
when it came to starting opposition corner 
groceries, and organizing competitive horse- 
railway companies, (which the French oc- 
casionally stepped aside from their legiti- 
mate pursuits to do,) they became a posi- 
tive nuisance, you know. Besides the alli- 
gators did not always discriminate between 
English and French diet. If anything, the 
epicures of the species seemed to give pref- 
erence to the former when any train of for- 
tuitous circumstances threw an occasional 
Englishman in their way. 

The duty of the English seemed plainly 
indicated to them, and they, being in the 
majority, were not slow in acting up to it, 



ALLIGATOR POLICY. 89 

by bringing to bear upon their rivals what 
may be termed an alligator policy. But we 
leave the rest to our artist, who with a few 
dashes of his pencil on page 88 has saved 
us reams of manuscript and barrels of ink. 
He merely wishes us to explain that the 
parties on the wharf in the last picture are 
English, with one exception. 



CHAPTER XYL 

THE NAVIGATION ACTS — ILLICIT TOOTHPICKS — A CARQC 
OF TEA UNLOADED — PORK AND BEANS AS A BEVER- 
AGE — RUMORS OP WARS. 

Having seen civilization comfortably 
settled in its new home, let us see how it 
conducted itself. 

In the year 1660 certain bills were lob- 
bied through the English Parliament which 
were highly obnoxious to the American 
colonies then established in Virginia. 
These were called the Navigation Acts, and 
prohibited the colonists from sending their 
pigs to any other market than England, 
nor allowed them to purchase any article 



DESPOTIC CONDUCT OF ENGLAND. 91 

of commerce, not even a toothpick, from 
any other country, and even that commod- 
ity must be ordered from the King himself 
and delivered in English vessels. If any' 
ingenious colonist was caught whittling a 
pine splinter or a lucif er match to a point 
he was looked upon as an outlaw and tak- 
en home to England in irons to answer the 
charge of manufacturing illegal toothpicks. 
The Navigation Acts were swallowed by 
the colonists with wry faces for a century 
or so, and they were beginning to get used 
to it. But when one fine day the Mother 
Country invented a new dish, called the 
"Stamp Act," and began to ladle it out 
the docile colonists entered their gentle 

protest. 

The Stamp Act provided that the pigs 
and toothpicks must all bear the govern- 



92 ''DOWIf WITH STAMPS.*' 

ment stamp — the stamps, of course, to be 
paid for by tlie colonists. 

The latter held town meetings, and the 
district schoolmaster made inflammatory 
speeches denouncing the British Parliament ; 
the provincial editor hurled defiance in the 
face of the Crown in a double-leaded arti- 
cle, which he marked with a blue lead pen- 
cil and sent to the royal address with his 
own handwriting. The Crown turned pale, 
and immediately ordered the Stamp Act 
to be repealed. It was hoped that this 
concession would put an end to all hard 
feelings that had for a long time existed 
between Parliament and the Town Council 
of Boston. But now the cry was raised of 
"No Taxation without Representation," 
and when one day the news reached Boston 
that there had been a duty imposed on tea, 



THE TEA 18 DILUTED. 95 

people took a sudden dislike for that bev- 
erage. They said the stamps spoiled the 
flavor for them, and refused to use it. 

As a substitute they consoled themselves 
with a peculiar infusion called porkinbeans, 
a well-known Boston beverage. 

One day a ship-load of " Best English 
Breakfast" arrived at the wharf, and all 
Boston pictui-esquely arrayed in Indian 
costume turned out to unload it. In the 
excitement of the moment the caddies 
were accidentaly tossed over the wrong 
side of the ship, the stamps having pre- 
viously been canceled by the absent-minded 
citizens. 

Great Britain immediately sent over 
several ship-loads of troops, but these were 
scarcely less obnoxious than the cargo of 
stamped tea, especially as they asked some 



''WE MUST FIGHT.'' 95 

very embarassing questions relative to tlie 
careless unloading of said cargo. 

Patrick Henry, a member of the Vir- 
ginia Legislature, took it upon himself to 
return a rather evasive answer by "re- 
peating it, sir, WE MUST FIGHT ! " 



CHAPTER XVIL 

REVOLUTIONARY — A ROW AT CONCORD— A MASTERLY RE- 
TREAT—THE BRITISH COUNT NOSEa 

And we did fight. 

The first gun was filled on the 19th of 
April, 1775, at Concord, where a large and 
select assortment of explosives for celebrat- 
ing the coming Fourth of July was stored 
and guarded by a squad of minute-men. 

A detachment of 3,000 British was sent 
to destroy these explosives. 

" Disperse ye Rebels ! " is what the Brit- 
ish commander remarked. 

" You're another ! " promptly replied the 
minute-men, and immediately obeyed the 



98 A BRILLIANT RETREAT. 

order to disperse. They placed an unexpect- 
ed construction upon it, however, for they 
dispersed the British troops, who deemed it 
expedient to saunter back to Charlestown, 
where they found on counting noses that 
they were short some two hundred and 
eighty men. 

This retreat of the British is one of the 
most brilliant on record, and, if we can be- 
lieve the illustration on the preceding page, 
was conducted in a somewhat informal 
manner. The unstudied yet animated action 
of the pedal extremities speaks of a press- 
ing engagement suddenly remembered that 
must not be neglected. There are certain 
anatomical peculiarities in this picture of 
which the least said the better. 



CHAPTER XVIIL 

PULL ACCOUNT OF THE BATTLE OP BUNKER HILL — FALSE 
TEETH AND HEROISM — ARE REPUBLICS UNGRATEFUL ? 

About two montlis after the events nar- 
rated in the last chapter the battle of 
Bunker Hill took place, June 19, 1775. It 
was conducted by General Bunker upon 
the American side, while one General Hill 
led the British. 

On this memorable occasion the Ameri- 
cans managed to destroy a thousand or so 
of the enemy, and might have done better 
had their supply of bullets held out. 
These becoming exhausted the noble fel- 
lows fell back upon the brass buttons of 



100 SANOUINARY CONDUCT, 

their uniforms, wlii^li they fired at the Brit- 
ish as long as there was a button left among 
them. 

The brave Bunker, when his stock of 
buttons gave out, bethought him of his 
false teeth. He removed them from his 
mouth, and with fire in his eye and a 
horse-pistol in his right hand, (holding 
on his buttonless uniform with his left,) 
he turned upon the enemy a galling fire 
of "store" teeth, and every one of them 
took effect, making sixteen of the red-coats 
bite the dust. 

In his official report of the battle which 
he sent to Congress the heroic man avers : 
that, if there had been a dentist handy to 
extract 'em, he would have sacrificed every 
dashed natural tooth in his head for the 
cause of Liberty. 







'101 



102 HEROISM REWARDED. 

As a reward for his heroic conduct, Con- 
gress had him measured for a new set of 
elegant silver-mounted molars, which it 
promised to present to him some day with 
an appropriate inscription. And yet they 
say Republics are ungrateful ! 

For further information regarding this 
great battle, see illustration. There was 
a monument erected upon the spot to 
commemorate the battle, and should you 
ever go to Boston you will probably be 
asked, " Have you tried our baked beans, 
and have you seen Bunker Hill monu- 
ment ? " 



CHAPTER XIX, 

STILL KEVOLUTIONARY-THE FIRST FOURTH OF JULY TAKES 
PLACE — DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE — AN ABLE 
DOCUMENT— PARLIAMENT IS MUCH MOVED AND GETS 
OUT YELLOW HANDBILLS. 

One hot sultry day in tlie summer of 
1776 Thomas Jefferson eased Ms mind in 
an essay called the Declaration of Inde- 
pendence, which said in effect that the 
United Colonies of America had saved up 
money enough to start in business for them- 
selves, and henceforth there was to be no 
connection with over the way. This docu- 
ment, dated July 4, 1776, was signed by 
John Hancock and a few other members 











104 



A READABLE DOCUMENT. 105 

of Congress who had learned to write, and 
was duly published in all the daily papers. 
We received a marked copy of one of the 
papers in which it appeared at the time, 
and with a sort of vague instinct that we 
might find it useful some day, cut it out 
and preserved it with religious care. We 
reproduce it here in fac-simile. 

It will be found to be a very readable ar 
tide, and we advise our readers to peruse it 
carefully, if they have to skip all the rest 
of the book. The gentlemen who signed the 
Declaration have courteously furnished us 
their autographs, which we also take the 
liberty of placing before our readers. 

When the attention of Parliament was ac- 
cidentally called to this article, in one of the 
papers above alluded to, its feelings may be 
more readily imagined than described. And 



106 WAR CLOUDS. 

when that quaint old fossil Disraeli put on 
his spectacles and read it " out loud " there 
was not a dry eye in the house. Parlia- 
ment cried like a child, or, more properly, 
like a whole orphan asylum. Becoming 
calmer after awhile they got out immense 
illustrated yellow posters, representing an 
enraged lion engaged in bitter discussion 
with a sanguinary one-eared mule, and 
after stating that this was the Lion and 
the Unicorn, the poster went on to say 
that the Americans were rebels and hum- 
bugs, and further cautioned the public 
against selling them goods on credit. 

When these handbills were posted con- 
spicuously and profusely on every stone 
wall, barn, and rail-fence in America, the 
spirit of '76 rose to several per cent, above 
proof. War was declared, and General 



THE CRISIS. 107 

WasHngtoB. was appointed commander-in- 
cliief of the Continental army. 

He gave strict orders to place none but 
Americans on guard, while England sent 
more troops to America, and expected 
every man to do his duty. 



CHAPTER XX. 

REVOLUTIONAKY AS BEFORE — "PLACE NONE BUT AMERI- 
CANS ON GUARD TO NIGHT "-CHRISTMAS FESTIVITIES— 
ALMOST A VICTORY — A BRITISHER SHOWS WASHINGTON 
GREAT DISRESPECT — WASHINGTON CROSSING THE DEL- 
AWARE. 

One dark, cold winter's night General 
Washington issued very strict orders indeed 
relative to guard mounting, and each senti- 
nel had to either show his naturalization 
papers or give affidavit of American par- 
entage. 

The British hordes were encamped just 
across the Delaware river in numbers great- 
ly superior to the Americans, and were only 
waiting for the river to freeze over in order 



G. W:S PRIVATE ENTE-RPRISE. 109 

that they might skate across and capture 
the entire Continental army. As there was no 
immediate prospect of that, however, owing 
to the mildness of the weather, and having 
much spare time on their hands, the Britons 
improved their minds by the study of High- 
low-Jack and other branches of science. 

It was Christmas night, and the whole 
army had been celebrating the day in good 
old English style. Every minion of them 
had inhaled more or less commissary whis- 
ky, and as night approached had suc- 
cumbed to its sedative qualities. 

General Washington saw how it would 
be, and announced his intention of spending 
the evening out, without entering into fur- 
ther particulars. He borrowed a log canoe 
of one of the neighbors and paddled across 
the river amid floating ice and made the 



110 DISRESPECTFUL LANGUAGE. 

whole army prisoners. The difficulty now 
arose of getting the booty home. The 
British army by actual count turned out to 
be much larger than Washington had 
anticipated, and he began to entertain se- 
rious doubts as to whether the small canoe 
would accommodate so many. 

While he stood thus enjoying his tri- 
umph, and deliberating as to what course 
to pursue next, an able-bodied Britisher 
manifested unmistakable symptoms of 
returning animation by raising himself on 
one elbow, and demanding in a loud voice of 
the Father of his Country what the highly 
colored blazes the blarsted old three-corner- 
ed pig-tail meant by loafing about there, and 
then ordered him in an incoherent manner 
to "roll in another bar'l, and be quick about 
it." 



CEOSSmo TEE DELAWARE. HI 

With that coolness of deliberation which 
characterized all his public acts, Washing- 
ton hastily withdrew, leaving his prisoners 
to be called for at some future time. 

A few days later, taking advantage of a 
sudden cold snap, he crossed the Delaware 
once more, taking a small army with him to 
assist in bringing his prisoners home. The 
latter had so far recovered from the effects 
of Christmas as to make a stout resistance, 
and the battle of Trenton took place, result- 
ing in favor of the Americans. 

Washington crossing the Delaware fur- 
nished a very good subject for a very bad 
painting, which may be seen among other 
bad paintings in the Rotunda of the Capitol 
at Washington. At first sight this work of 
art might be mistaken for an advertising 
dodge of some enterprising ice company, 



A CHANGE FOB CONGRESS. 113 

but there is not tLe slightest doubt it is 
meant to bear an historical, not a commer- 
cial significance. 

On page 112 will be found a reliable ver- 
sion of the incident briefly sketched, which 
our artist is willing to work up in oil for 
the Government if Congress will make a 
suitable appropriation and agree to furnish 
a barrel of oil and a few acres of canvas. 

Sealed proposals addressed to care of the 
publishers of this work will be promptly 
considered. 



CHAPTER XXL 

MORE REVOLUTIONARY THAN EVER — LIVELY TIMES At 
A WATERING-PLACE— THE STARS AND STRIPES IN- 
VENTED. 

On the 17tli of October, 1777, General 
Washington surrounded and captured the 
British army under Burgoyne at Saratoga, 
where they had been spending the Summer, 
and where it strikes us they had remained 
rather late in the season. 

The British were entirely out of provi- 
sions, and had been living exclusively on 
congress water for some weeks past. Mr. 
Burgoyne had written home to the Crown 
that, if the war was to be successfully 




116 



116 BUR007NE IN A FIX. 

prosecuted in America, the army must be 
supplied witk something more filling for 
the price than mineral water. But he 
must have forgotten to mail the letter, 
for no commissary stores arrived, and the 
soldiers continued to subsist upon their 
aqueous diet. They were consequently 
greatly reduced and fell an easy prey to 
the Americans. 

That year Congress adopted the Stars 
and Stripes as the flag of the United States,* 
which (with the addition of other stars 
from time to time) has been handed down 
to grateful posterity, and to-day proudly 
reveals to the youth of a free Republic the 
whereabouts of the circus tent. 

* Note. — This supplied a want long- felt, as the army had 
hitherto rallied round Mr. Washington's red pocket handker- 
chief tied to a broom handle. 



CHAPTER XXII. 

IMPRUDENT CONDUCT OP BENEDICT ARNOLD — A REAL ES* 
TATE SPECULATION— $50,000 THE PRICE OF LIBERT'S 
(TERMS cash) — MAJOR ANDR^ IS SERIOUSLY COM- 
PROMISED—SUSPENSE — EVIL COMMUNICATION — A TALE- 
BEARING YELLOW DOG. 

It was in the fall of 1780 that one Bene- 
dict Arnold, being seriously inconvenienced 
for want of funds, employed some very ques- 
tionable means of getting on his financial 
legs again. After laying his head together 
for a spell, he resolved to realize on some 
real estate belonging to the colonial govern- 
ment, and make a European tour on the 
proceeds. 

He secretly negotiated with the British 



118 BUSII^ESS IS BUSINESS. 

Commander, Lord Clinton, (then at New 
York,) for the sale of a few acres at West 
Point, where he (Arnold) happened to be 
in command, which he agreed to transfer 
to the said Lord Clinton for and in 
consideration of $50,000 to him, the said 
Arnold, paid in hand. 

It is true, the property was occupied by 
Government as a military post of some 
importance, and was the repository of valu- 
able stores and munitions of war, and 
besides the nucleus of the American army 
was garrisoned there. But Arnold was 
too much of a man of business to let 
a little drawback of that sort stand be- 
tween him and a bargain. He said he 
would throw all these in if the other 
party was willing. The other party good- 
naturedly agreed to overlook all draw- 



120 ''TEE BEST LAID PLAN8:' 

backs, and sent his man Friday, Major 
Andre, to close the bargain and bring the 
property home. After a very pleasant 
interview with Arnold behind a haystack, 
which resulted to the satisfaction of both, 
Major Andre started for New York mth 
the title-deed for the newly acquired prop- 
erty safely stowed away in his left coat-tail 
pocket. He had proceeded some distance 
on his journey when he was stopped by 
three American gentlemen whom he met, 
and who, with that unhappy inquisitiveness 
to which their race is notoriously predis- 
posed, desired information as to whence he 
had come, whither h-e was going, and what 
" line " he was in. 

The Major, with great ingenuity, replied 
that he was a representative of the press 
from New York, and had been to head- 



ANDBil'S HARMLESS FICTION. 121 

quarters to interview General Washington 
as to wliat lie thonglit his chances were 
in the coming presidential canvass, and 
whether he, as an honest man, really con- 
sidered himself a fit person to be entrusted 
with an army ? and if it were true, as had 
been represented, that he advocated the 
introduction of the new breech-loading 
umbrellas into the army as a military 
measure? whether he was not afraid of 
hurting himself with his sword, or putting 
somebody's eyes out by the careless habit 
he had of pointing out beauties in the 
landscape (see equestrian portraits) with 
that weapon? also whether he had any 
chewing tobacco ? 

However plausibly the Major's account of 
himself might strike most people, it failed 
to satisfy those to whom it was addressed. 



122 TERRIBLE TEMPTATION. 

They said they had at first merely 
looked upon him as a suspicious character, 
but now, by his own confessed connection 
with the press, they could not regard him in 
any other light than that of a very dan- 
gerous person, to say the least, and they 
must trouble him to turn his pockets 
inside out. 

With tears in his eyes he took from his 
pockets an oroide watch, a jackknife, and 
some Erie railway shares. 

"Let me go hence," he said, in a voice 
choked with emotion, " and these shall be 
your guerdons ; there is just a guerdon 
apiece. You can toss up among you for 
the choice." 

But, although his captors happened to 
be wealthy capitalists, tliey declined to add 
to their means at the expense of honor. 



MR. ANDm IS MORTIFIED. 123 

They said guerdons were out of their line, 
and demanded to know if he (the Major) 
could discern anything of a verdant tinge 
in their optics. The Major could not for 
the life of him. One of these low fellows 
then hinted that he more than suspected 
the true nature of their (now) prisoner, and 
he must be investigated, and further, by a 
very expressive pantomime (catching him- 
self by the throat, opening his eyes very 
wide, protruding his tongue and breathing 
hard) tried to convey some idea of what 
would happen if his suspicions should prove 
correct. 

The gallant Major was never so mortified 
in his life before. He began to wonder 
what would ever become of him if these 
vulgar persons into whose hands he had 
fallen should really so far misconstrue his 



1 24 DELA T8 ARE DANOERO US. 

conduct as to condemn him for a spy ? 

He was not kept long in suspense. (See 
illustration on page 119.) 

There is one incident in connection with 
Andre's capture which has always been un- 
accountably overlooked by other historians, 
and which if we omitted in this place we 
should feel that we had not conscientiously 
discharged our duty. 

"When Major Andre found himself a cap- 
tive he felt that it would be very desirable 
to communicate with Arnold before their 
transactions should be made public. He also 
saw the impossibility of reaching him by 
telegraph, as that means of correspondence 
was not to be invented until half a centuiy 
or more later, and to delay so long as that 



A YELLOW DOQ AND HOPE. 125 

might be fatal. While casting about for 
some means of giving warning to his 
friend, his eye chanced to rest upon a spe- 
cimen of the canine species of the yellow 
persuasion belonging to one of his captors, 
and a ray of hope gleamed in upon his 
soul. 

They had halted for the night, intending 
to proceed with the prisoner to headquar- 
ters next morning, and preparations were 
being made for supper. An empty tin 
coffee-pot sat near the fire, and the yellow 
dog sat near the tin coffee-pot blinking at 
the fire, his mind evidently absorbed in 
some abstruse canine problem. By a 
curious, though perhaps natural association 
of ideas, the Briton saw here the crude ma- 
terials for communicating with Arnold 
ready to his hand. 



126 ANBRt DROPS A LINE— 

Pretending to make an entry in his diary 
he hastily scribled off these lines : 

" Friend Benedict : 

Owing to circumstances over which I have no 
control, I am unable to take any further steps in that 
little matter of ours at present ; the boys have in 
point of fact scooped me. You would have been a 
better man in my place. Hoping to meet you in the 
happy hunting grounds, I am yours, in limbo, 

Andr^. 

P.S. — By the way, hadn't you better drop in upon 
our mutual friend General Clinton at New York and 
remain with him for a few days until it blows over ? 
I only throw this out as a mere suggestion. Good 
bye. A." 



Watching his opportunity when his cap- 
tors' backs were turned, the Major slipped 



AND MAILS IT TO ARNOLD. 127 

this epistle into the coffee-pot, clapped on 
the lid, and, having diverted the canine's 
attention by means of a piece of salt pork, 
which had been originally laid out for the 
approaching meal, hastily appended the 
tin vessel to his caudal extremity, and hav- 
ing with nice precision turned the animal's 
nose in the direction of Arnold's tent, he 
gave the tail an agonizing tmst, and — and 
the party did without coffee that night. 

The yellow dog came duly to hand, and 
Mr. Arnold was not slow in acting upon 
the hint contained in the message he 
brought. With that long-headedness 
which is the characteristic of the true man 
of business he anticipated any investigation 
of his conduct that might follow by I'esign- 
ing and changing his residence at once. 
We learn that he subsequently went to 










128 



RABID TRANSIT. 129 

Europe, but up to tlie present writing has 
not yet returned. 

, If any one doubts the incident we have 
just related about the way in which the 
news of Andre's capture reached. Arnold, 
he has only to narrowly scrutinize our 
illustration, which treats of the moment 
when the sagacious quadruped reaches the 
American lines. With almost human in- 
telligence he overtui^ns the sentinel, who, 
doubtful of the nature of his business, has 
challenged his further progress. 

For Mr. Arnold's own sake we regret the 
imprudent course he pursued to improve 
the state of his exchequer. It is true his 
funds were low, and no one can blame him 
for wanting to make a " raise." But then 
he ought to have remembered that there 
are always honest as well as lucrative pur 



1 30 WEA T MIGHT HA YE BEEN. 

suits open to the deserving poor involving 
but small investments; for instance, lie 
might have started a paper, peddled 
matches, got an appointment in the Cabinet, 
blacked boots, organized savings banks, or 
written comic histories. 

We are aware that these invaluable sug- 
gestions come too late to apply specifically 
to Mr. Arnold's case, but we do hope that 
all who have invested capital in this book 
will shape their course by the few hints we 
have here thrown out, and above all remem- 
ber that the plucking out of even the tail 
feathers of the American Eagle for com- 
mercial purposes is ever attended with 
risk. ***** 

On a more thorough investigation of the 
subject we learn that Benedict Arnold is 
dead, and has been for some time ; but he 
lives in American history. 



CHAPTER XXIII. 

THE APPAIRS OF THE REVOLUTION WOUND UP — CORN- 
WALLIS STEPS DOWN AND OUT. 

Cornwallis, commander of the British 
forces, placed his sword at the disposal of 
General Washington on the 19 th of Octo- 
ber, 1781, and took passage on the next 
steamer for Europe. 

The final scene in the history of the war 
for American liberty is graphically set 
forth on page 132. It is copied from 
a group of wax-works illustrative of that 
event, and is, therefore, warranted reliable. 

The war was now virtually over, but it 
was not until two years later that England 





i 


i 


^HiH^^^I^^ 




1-^ 




1 


1 




1 


II 


^^^r ^SBS^ifCiW^Vp^-'^ sL^i^^f^ 




*■ '^ 


^V ..^^i>^^i?Uj^i-^--%\ ^'JiiKSi 






^W^^^^ 


vKr 






^ 


K^, 






Jt^^r^ i 






■^^^ 



132 



PEACE. 133 

signed a quit-claim deed resigning all right 
and title to its American property. 

Tlie Continental army was disbanded, 
and returninp; to tlieir homes the soldiers 
hammered their muskets and things into 
plowshares and sold them to the farmei's. 
The battle fields were cut up into corner 
lots, and a season of great prosperity began. 
Washington was elected President of the 
young Republic, and gave great satisfac- 
tion in that capacity. His second term hav- 
ing expired, he wrote an address of great 
literary merit and retired to private life at 
Mount Vernon. He ingeniously forged a 
little hatchet out of his sword for his little 
step-son, and taught him how to chop down 
cherry trees with neatness and dispatch and 
own up to it afterwards. 







184 



CHAPTER XXIV. 

AN INCIDENT OF THE EEVOLUTION. 

It is always very noble and all that sort 
of thing when a nation or individuals sacri- 
fice anything for a principle. Sometimes 
such sacrifice meets with immediate reward 
and sometimes the reward is delayed and 
the parties making the sacrifice have to 
wait indefinitely for their pay. A little 
incident which bef el an ancestor of ours 
illustrates both these propositions to some 
extent, and having a few moments to spare 
we are tempted to relate it briefly, as 
follows. 



Nv 




On one memorable occasion, in pursuance of Washington's 
famous order to place none but Americans on ^ard, an 
imcestor of ours was detailed to ^ard certain military stores. 
The missiles of destruction, it will be noticed, were flying 
about in a style that seemed more promiscnous than sooth- 
ing to a nervons temperament. 
136 




Accidents will happen in the best regulated fainilieB and 
it certainly was no fault of our ancestor that a shell fired by 
unprincipled Britons, struck the military stores aforesaid 
destroying them, but, beyond giving a severe shock to his 
nervous system, the projectHe did our ancestor no harm aa 
it did not explode. 

loT 




As a reward for his valiant conduct, Washington begged 

our ancestor to accept the unexploded shell, which the lattei 

resolved to preserve as a souvenir of the adventure and hand 

down to posterity. 

138 




He carried it with him on many a weary march. 




'Tis true he found it a serious inconvenience ofttimes. 

140 




But he remembered posterity and pressed on 



141 




Here we see him handing the relic down to posterity. 

142 




In after years posterity handed it over to an obnoxious 
female relative, who irreverently used it as a candlestick. 
H.3 




On one occasion obnoxious female relative imprudently 
went to sleep, allowing the candle to bum low in its socket. 



144 




Need we say that posterity's obnoxious female relative got 
what she had often given him,— a severe blowing up "/ 
145 



CHAPTER XXV, 

THIS HISTORY DABBLES IN POLITICS MUCH AGAINST ITS 
WISHES — PRELIMINARY OBSERVATIONS— A CHAPTER OP 
ACCIDENTS AND PRESIDENTS—" LIVES OP GREAT MEN 
ALL REMIND US." 

We have always from childhood's hour 
instinctively recoiled from politics, and have 
thus far managed to keep out of Congress. 
If vrith equal success we can manage to 
keep out of jail for the rest of our natural 
existence we shall feel that life has not 
altogether been a failure. (This is what 
is called genuine broad American humor. 
If the reader can find nothing in it to 
excite his risibilities after a reasonable 
trial his money mil be refunded.) 



REJECTED GLOBT. 147 

When it first reached the ears of the 
present Administration through the Libra- 
rian of Congress, to whom we applied for 
a copyright, that we were about to pub- 
lish a history of our native land, we 
received per return mail a letter signed 
by the Administration, asking us if we 
would accept the appointment of U. S. 
Minister to the South Sea Islands. This 
office had just been made vacant by the 
circumstance of the last incumbent having 
participated in a public banquet given in 
honor of his arrival at his consulate, and 
being himself the principal ingredient of 
a certain savory ragout^ his presence there, 
it would seem, proved fatal, and it was his 
place which we were invited to supply. ' 

We returned a somewhat evasive answer. 

We never voted but once in our life, and 



l^g AN EXPENSIVE LUXURY. 

that was at a presidential election soon after 

reaching our maj ority. We voted for , 

but no matter. To offend party prejudice 
at this time might be fatal to our hopes. 
The day after the election we received a 
bill of two dollars for "poll-tax," which 
the collector said we owed and we had bet- 
ter pay or have our body lodged in tlie 
county jail until w^e should call for it, and 
settle up what was due on it to the State. 
The unprincipled man had obtained our 
address from the registry books, and this 
our first ebulition of patriotism cost us two 
dollars. 

However much inclined we may be by 
nature and experience to avoid the subject 
of politics as a rule, it now becomes our duty 
to make mention of certain exponents of 
American politics, but whether to their ad 



DUTIES OF TEE PRESIDENT. 149 

vantage or disadvantage will depend entire- 
ly upon the record they have left behind 
them. 

We take it for granted, (you may have 
noticed that a great deal is taken for grant- 
ed in this book,) that the reader is already 
acquainted with the duties of the President 
of the United States. If not, let him lose 
no time in reading up on the subject, for 
we are all liable at any moment to be 
nominated to the office, and it would be 
dreadfully mortifying not to know how 
to go to work. 

"We have seen in the preceeding chapters 
how liberty was planted on American soil, 
but the crop must be watched and taken 
care of, and for this duty the office of 
President was created. Eighteen different 
persons have successively undertaken the 



150 G. W. ONCE MORE. 

contract of guarding the crop sown by our 

forefathers, and in one or two instances, we 

regret to say, these have turned out to be 

mere scarecrows, and sorry ones at that. 

This scathing remark is not intended to 

apply to 

George Washingtoit, 

who, as we have already shown, was the 
first President of the United States, and 
who did as well as could be expected for a 
first attempt. In fact, George did well 
whatever he undertook to do, and we have no 
complaint to make in these pages against him. 
On page 151 will be found some illustra- 
ted particulars concerning this great man's 
life, which our readers, young and old, will 
do well to imitate. The series of sil- 
houettes at the top of the page treat of the 
Story of the Little Hatchet. 



162 THE OLD STORY. 

No. 1. Here we see the Grandfather of 
his Country climbing a cherry tree after 
cherries. 

No. 2. His little son (afterwards Father 
of his Country) is here seen chopping at 
said tree with his little hatchet. 

No. 3. How should he know that the old 
man was up said tree, and if so, what bus- 
iness had he up there anyhow ? 

No. 4. "I'll let you know," is what the 
old gentleman remarked. " I did it with 
my little hatchet," roared George as well 
as he could from his embarrassing position, 
" but I'll never do so no more ! " 

Advice gratis. When you chop down 
cherry trees wait until the old man goes 
out of town. 

No. 5. Gives us a fine view of the site of 



MR. ADAMS MAKES A MOVE. 153 

Washington's birthplace, and shows what 
an enterprising man Dr. Binks is. 

No. 6. The crop of persons who have 
nursed and otherwise remember Washing- 
ton is pretty good this year. 

No. 7. Here we have a party who does 7101 
remember Washington to any great extent. 
Thinks he has heard the name somewhere. 

" O piteous spectacle ! " 

Washington's immediate successor was 

John Adams, 

who was inaugurated March 4, 1797. He 
displayed superior capacity for the position 
by removing the national capital from 
Philadelphia to Washington, where it has 
remained ever since. It was a good rid- 
dance for Philadelphia, but rather severe 
on Washington. 



A LITEBABT TURN OF MIND. 156 

Mr. Adams only served one term. He 
was naturally a little piqued at not being 
nominated the second time, and retiring to 
Quincy, Mass., lie started an opposition 
post office, where he passed his declining 
years. 

Thomas Jeffersojst 

was the third President of the United 
States. He was a gentleman of fine lite- 
rary attainments, his most popular works 
being the Declaration of Independence and 
a humorous poem called " Beautiful Snow." 
He wrote the latter during the winter of 
1798, (which was the most severe of any 
within the memory of the oldest inhabit- 
ant,) working on it of nights. He served 
two terms, and in the Spring of 1809 went 
to work on a farm, where he spent the sun- 



BREAKERS AHEAD! 157 

set of his days cultivating potatoes. He 
said it was easier tlian being President, and 
a great deal naore respectable. 

James Madison 

next took charge of the helm of State, and 
very unsettled weather he found it for a 
new beginner. 

During his Administration the country 
became involved in another war with 
Great Britain, growing out of certain liber. 
ties taken by the latter with American ves- 
sels upon the high seas. 

Whenever an English man-of-war ran 
short of hands its commander simply helped 
himself from the crew of any American 
merchantman he happened to encounter. 
James Madison stood it as long as he could, 
and then declared war. This was called 



158 MR MONROE'S DOCTRINE. 

the *'War of Twelve," (afterwards increased 
to several thousand,) and lasted two years. 

Commodore Perry met the enemy on the 
Erie canal on the 10th of September, 1814, 
and after a spirited naval battle they were 
his property. 

^^ See illustration. 

James Monkoe 

woke lip one fine morning in 1817 and found 
himself President of the United States. 
He set his wits to work and invented the 
" Monroe Doctrine," a neat and ingenious 
contrivance for preventing any foreign 
Power from starting branch houses in 
America. He got it patented. 

Mr. Monroe declined a third term on ac- 
count of the cry of " Csesarism" having 
been raised by a rural journal. On retiring 



ORIGIN GF THE WHITE HOUSE. 16] 

from public life Mr. Monroe entered upon 
literary pursuits, and wrote some very able 
dime novels. His master-piece, called " The 
Poisoned Peanut, or the Ghostly Goblin of 
the Gory Glen," has been translated into 
every language. 

John Quincy Adams, 

of Massachusetts, next tried on the president- 
ial shoes (1825). Business being dull, Mr. 
Adams whitewashed the Presidential Man- 
sion, (a barrel of lime having been appro- 
priated by Congress,) since which time it 
has been known as the White House. 

Mr. Adams conducted himself in a gen- 
tlemanly manner, kept good hours, and paid 
his board regularly. 

Andrew Jackson 
was next called to the chair. Mr. Jackson 



MB. JACKSON USES STRONG LANGUAGE. 1G3 

lived chiefly upon hickory nuts, and it was 
in recognition of this well-known fact that 
he was affectionately nicknamed " Old 
Hickory " by his admirers. 

He sometimes made use of very forcible 
language, and on more than one occasion 
was distinctly heard to swear, '^by the 
eternal Jingo, the Constitution must and 
-shall be preserved ! " 

Mr. Jackson had been elected on the 
Democratic ticket. 

In our illustration Mr. Jackson is seen 
climbing a shell-bark hickory tree in quest 
of his favorite luxury. The portrait is 
striking. The shirt collar especially will 
be recognized by all who held office under 
this remarkable man. 

Martin Van Buren 
was inaugurated March 4, 1837. A finan- 




Cia Af/z:///CADKy, 



164 



VAN BUBEN'S FAILURE. 165 

cial crash, called the panic of '37, immedi- 
ately followed, so it is to be feared that 
Martin was a bad financier. If we had 
been elected in his stead we would have 
adopted an entirely different financial pol- 
icy. 

The disastrous results of Van Buren's 
Administration are painfully apparent in 
the illustration on page 166. 

Harrisois^ — Tyler. 

William Henry Harrison moved into the 
White House March 4, 1841. He died just 
one month after, and Vice-President John 
Tyler stepped into his shoes. He put his 
foot in it, however, and astonished the 
party who had elected him (the Whigs) by 
his vetoing talents. He rather overdid 
it in the case of a bill passed by Congress; 




^""'.^■^r 



MORE WAR CLOUDS, 167 

to establish United States banks, and every 
member of his Cabinet resigned excepting 
Dan. Webster, who was then too busily en- 
gaged on his dictionary to think of making 
out a resignation. 

President Tyler was a handsome man 
but a bad manager. 

James K. Polk 

was elected on the Democratic ticket, by a 
large majority, in 1844, and managed to get 
into a row with Mexico by admitting Tex- 
as into the Union soon after his accession 
to the chair. Mexico set up a frivolous 
claim to the territory, which, owing to the 
prompt measures adopted by Mr. Polk, she 
was una'ble to establish. 

The war which followed between the 
United States and Mexico was short but 



A BATTLE PIECE. 169 

sanguinary, as the reader will admit on ref- 
erence to our illustration, which, aside from 
its historical value, gives those of us who 
have never served our country an excellent 
opportunity of seeing how a battle is con- 
ducted without incurring any unneccessary 
risk. Whoever can look upon this fearful 
scene of carnage without having the cold 
chills run down his back must be stony 
hearted indeed. We would not like to 
board in the same block with such a person. 
Even as we write we fancy we can smell 
the sulphuric vapors of burning pow- 
der, but that after all may be only the 
German restaurant below getting dinner 
ready. 

With the exception of certain little ec- 
centricities of character, (hardly worth 
mentioning,) Mr. Polk proved a very 



AN IMPORTANT MEASURE. 171 

desirable tenant of the White House, and 
on retiring left it in good repair. 
Taylor — Fillmore. 

Zachary Taylor took the White House 
off Mr. Polk's hands, but only survived six 
months. 

Vice-President Millard Fillmore succeed- 
ed liim, and having by accident discovered 
that there was a good deal of gold secreted 
about California, recognized the importance 
of admitting her into the Union lest some 
foreign Power should take it into its head 
to carry off the rich territory some dark 
night. There was special danger to be ap- 
prehended from China, which had already 
begun to make excavations from below. 
President Fillmore lost no time in taking 
California in, and many ambitious young 
gentlemen of culture went there and grew 



AN EVIDENT INCONGRUITY. 173 

up witli the country. In the work of art 
on page 172, we behold one of the latter 
journeying toward the setting sun, accom 
panied by as many of the luxuries of civil 
ization as his limited means of transporta- 
tion will admit of. 

There seem to be one or two incongru- 
ities in this otherwise master-piece which 
we are at a loss how to reconcile with 
known laws of science. We allude more 
particularly to the phenomenon of the sun 
and moon shining simultaneously. But 
for the artist's usual respectful way of treat- 
ing serious subjects we should be inclined 
to suspect that he was trifling with our 
feelings. The worst of it is, the paradox 
escaped our notice until after the plates had 
been cast. We hope our artist will be able 
to explain it away on his return from Rome 



174 FAILURES. 

James Buchaitan 
next undertook to fill the vacancy. Nature 
abhors a vacuum, and generally fills it with 
wind if it can do no better. Republics 
sometimes imitate her example, and the 
election of Mr. Buchanan was a case in 
point. He was chronically afflicted with 
" squatter sovereignity," and spent most of 
his time in trying to comprehend American 
politics. 

During Buchanan's Administration John 
BroAvn and Sons undertook the contract 
of exterminating slaver}^, and as an initial 
step seized and burned the United States 
Arsenal at Harper's Ferry. But the firm 
failed before the job was half completed. 

Mr. Brown's body now lies mouldering 
in the grave, but it is due to him to state 
th^t his soul goes marchiog on. 



176 A LITTLE ANECDOTE. 

On a previous page will be found John 
Brown's soul in tlie act of marching. Our 
artist was unable to obtain a very exact 
•ketch as it was getting quite dark. 
Lincoln — Johnson. 

Abraham Lincoln was next voted into 
the chair, which reminds us of a little an* 
ecdote. 

Some years ago an Erie canal boat was 
weighing anchor in the harbor of New York 
preparatory to setting sail for Buffalo, 
when the Captain was hailed by a weary 
wayfarer, who said he wanted to go to 
Buffalo, and having no money was willing 
to work his passage. The heart of the 
old salt was touched; a tear stole down 
his weather-beaten cheek, and he allowed 
the poor man to lead one of the mules on 
the tow-path all the way to Buffalo. 



178 THE FITNESS OF THINGS. 

Abraham Lincoln was willing to work 
Lis passage. He earned every cent of his 
salary, and rendered services to humanity 
which humanity will not soon forget. Soon 
after his inauguration, in 1861, the Southern 
rebellion broke out, which was eventually 
put down by the " hundred days' men." On 
page 179 will be found some cheerful par- 
ticulars of the war between the North and 
South, the more somber details of which 
we leave to other and abler pens and pen- 
cils. 

Vice-President Andrew Johnson succeed- 
ed Mr. Lincoln, with somewhat doubtful 
success. As Mr. Johnson was a tailor by 
education he seemed to be the man of all 
others cut out for the place; but his subse- 
quent conduct gave rise to conflicting opin- 
ions on this subject. He became the unfor 



180 '*Mr POLICY,'' 

tunate proprietor of a "policy"* which 
gave Congress a good deal of trouble. 
Near the expiration of his official career he 
got a leave of absence, and " swung around 
the circle," (as he himself expressed it,) 
making speeches in which he compared 
himself to Andrew Jackson and seriously 
compromised himself by shamelessly ad- 
mitting that he had held every office in the 
gift of the people, from Alderman of his 
native village to President of the United 
States. 

During Mr. Johnson's Administration he 
had more woes on account of Congress 

'* Than wars or women have." 

Mr. Johnson would gladly have dispensed 

* Note. — Wr »have tried in vain to procure a ground plan 
of this " policy," hence we are unable to furnish any illustra- 
tion to this branch of our subject. 



TEE PRESENT INCUMBENT. 181 

with Congress. Indeed, on one occasion 
lie made an attempt to impeach that body, 
but failed by one vote. 

Ulysses S. Gkant 

was put under bonds to keep the peace 
March 4th, 1869. He served two terms, 
and went abroad to avoid a third. 

RUTHERFOED B. HaYES 

was induced to move into the White House 
by the promise of new paint, and repairs 
to the front gate. Mrs. Hayes has proved 
a model housekeeper, but she declares she 
can neither abide nor displace the aroma 
of Grant's cigar. Justice to Mr. Hayes 
compels us to report good crops during his 
administration. He will not be a candi- 




->^^ 



18S 



AN OPENING. 183 

date for reelection. A rumor is afloat that 
lie and his illustrious predecessor will buy 
the New York Sun, proposing to run it in 
the interests of conciliation. 

As soon as we ascertain who is to suc- 
ceed President Hayes, we will notify our 
readers by telephone. 

We have now placed the reader in pos- 
session of all the facts worth knowing in 
connection with the history of America 
from its very earliest discovery up to ten 
o'clock last night ; but before finally releas- 
ing his button-hole we beg to " show him 
round" a little among our peculiar institu- 
tions, and call his attention to a few evi- 
dences of national greatness which may 
never have struck him before. 

Let us, then, turn over a new leaf and 
open a new chapter. 



CHAPTER XX VT 

PROGRESS. 

OUR PATENT OFFICE REPORT — IS NECESSITY THE MOTHEB 
OF INVENTION? — A CASE IN CONTRADICTION— EEEC- 
TRICAL KITE— THE COTTON GIN — THE FIRST RAILWAY 
TRAIN — THE FIRST STEAMBOAT — THE PRINTING PRESS 
— THE ATLANTIC CABLE — MORMONISM — AN APPARATUS 
— ART MATTERS. 

Popular superstition lias it tliat necessity 
is tlie mother of invention. We are sorry to 
deprive tlie world of an old saying, but we 
happen to know a person to whom the 
world is indebted for more useful inven- 
tions than any other person of our acquaint- 




185 



186 IMPORTANT DISCOVERIES. 

ance, and her name is Accident. For in 
stance, 

ELECTRICITY 

was accidentally discovered by that famous 
American statesman and philosopher, Ben- 
jamin Franklin, while indulging in his 
favorite pastime of flying a kite. He as- 
certained that it was unsafe to ily a kite in 
a thunder storm unless you have a lightning 
rod attached to your spinal column. This 
important discovery conferred upon society 
the priceless boon of the lightning-rod man. 

THE COTTOISr GIN 

is an American invention, but whether it 
compares favorably with " Old Tom " or 
" London Dock" we are unable to say. We 
do not believe in stimulants as a rule, yet 
it cannot be denied that the introduction of 



^^v^ 




C^n7/y ^/K, 



187 



188 THE FIRST RAILWAY MONOPOLY. 

the new-fangled gin greatly stimulated the 
cultivation of cotton in America. 

THE FIRST RAILWAY TRAIIS'. 

America took the lead in railroad con- 
struction, though the locomotive is claimed 
as an English contrivance. 

The first railway train was a somewhat 
crude affair, but it succeeded in making a 
sensation. The locomotive was built by 
Peter Cooper, and he it was who ran the 
machine on its experimental trip. 

The passengers were a surgeon, a chaplain, 
an editor, (names forgotton,) John Smith, 
and another fellow, (all dead-heads.) Mr. 
Cooper poked the fire, the other fellow 
pushed behind, while John Smith urbanely 
acted as cow-catcher. The clergyman rode 
in the smoking-car and meditated on the 



190 STEAM NAVIGATION. 

piobabilities of ever seeing his family again 
this side of Jordan. The editor went to 
sleep, while the doctor sat behind ready to 
jump out and save himself in ease of acci- 
dent. 

After a delightful excursion of fifty miles 
or so into the country the party returned 
home — afoot. 

THE FIRST STEAMBOAT 

was discovered by E-obert Fulton September 
4th, 1807. Our special artist was promptly 
on the spot, and we are thus enabled to lay 
before our readers all that is worth know- 
ing of this event in the picture opposite. 

THE TEN-CYLINDER PRINTING PRESS. 

Newspapers have become a household 
necessity in every well-regulated American 



192 THE POWER OF THE PRESS. 

family. They mould public opinion, and 
are handy to light fires with. The univer- 
sal use of newspapers gave rise to the ten- 
cylinder printing press, an American in ven 
tion. 

The publication of a daily newspaper is 
one of the most lucrative professions of 
the day, and we strongly advise our Amer. 
ican youth to abandon all idea of ever 
becoming Pj*esident, and save up all their 
pennies to start newspapers with when 
they grow up. An ably-conducted daily 
newspaper brings from two and a half to 
three cents per poimd at the junk dealers, 
when times are good. On page 193 are 
some illustrated features of a well-oon- 
ducted newspaper office. The central pic- 
ture is full of tender pathos. The editor 
and proprietor (evidently a man of slender 



194 CABLE-ISTTG COMMUNICATION. 

means) is seen working off his edition, as- 
sisted by his near relatives. Each individ- 
ual, from the proud wife and doting mother 
to the infant at her breast, seems to attach 
weight to the enterprise with a degree of en- 
thusiasm that ought to encourage any man. 

TIIE ATLANTIC CABLE. 

The Electro-Magnetic Submarine Trans- 
Atlantic Anglo-American Telegraph Cable 
is, perhaps, the most wonderful of all Yan- 
kee notions. By its agency our great 
morning dailies are able to get the most 
um^eliable foreio:n news at the low rate of 
ten dollars per word. The only wonder is 
how people on both sides of the water ever 
got on so long without the cable. 

On page 195 is a picture representing the 
submarine cable, for which we cannot help 



196 A LADY'S MAN. 

suspecting tlie artist lias drawn largely on 
his imagination. 

MOEMONISM 

is of doubtful origin. Some authorities 
give the credit of its invention to Joseph 
Smith, while others do not hesitate to 
ascribe its origin to a gentlemen whom the 
mind naturally associates with sulphuric 
gases. However that may be, Mormonism 
is one of the institutions of the country, 
and Brigham Young is its prophet, his 
present address being Salt Lake City, 
Utah. 

Mr. Young makes a specialty of matri- 
mony, and has taken strict precautions to 
guard against widowhood, as will be seen 
by reference to our illustration, in whicL 
are seen Mr. and Mrs. Young on theii 
bridal tour. 



198 ^ BIVAL WORK. 

Brigham makes it a point of etiquette 
to many every unmarried lady to whom 
he happens to be introduced, and his life is 
a perennial honeymoon. To the merely 
Gentile man, whose matrimonial experience 
has been conducted on monogamic princi- 
ples, the hardihood of Mr. Young is simply 
appalling. 

AN APPAEATUS 

to keep hens from setting is an ejfferves- 
cence of the fertile brain of, well, no mat- 
ter who. It speaks for itself. 

For further information on the interest- 
ing subject of Yankee ingenuity we com- 
mend the reader's" careful perusal of the 
United States Patent Office Eeport, a 
work unequaled for the brilliancy of its 
conception and startling dramatic situa- 




'Ajrjnrq£y]rj^j/s//yr£a'r/a^ 



199 



200 MISDIREGTED EFFORT. 

tions, and which, for its conscientious 
adhesion to facts, only has a rival in the 
present work. 

AET MATTERS. 

The visitor to the Capitol, at Washing- 
ton, will be struck with the paucity of 
American art, as evinced by the specimens 
of painting and sculpture to be seen in the 
Rotunda and immediate vicinity of that 
structure. BaiTels of paint and whole 
quarries of marble have been sacrificed by 
an inscrutable Congress, whose sole object 
seems to have been to frighten its constit- 
uency away from the scene of its dark 
plottings with grotesque AVashingtons, 
fantastic Lincolns, thinly-clad Indian ladies, 
and unprincipled looking Puritans. Some 
meritorious works of art, however, have 



ONLY WAITING. 201 

lately found their way to the Capitol by 
accident, but let us have more of them. 
We humbly submit a few designs for 
equestrian statuary, which only await a 
misappropriation by Congress, as follows : 



EQUESTRIAN STATUARY, 




Plate I. — Statue for a great American military hero who 
always kept his face to the foe. 



203 



EQUESTRIAN STATUARY. 




Plate II. — Is for another great military hero (a memher of 
militia) who would have kept his face to the foe if 
circumstances had been favorable. 

203 



EQUESTRIAN STATUARY, 




Plate III. —Equestrian statue of a public gentleman who 
kept his face wherever it suited his convenience. 

•204 



EQ UE8TB1AN STATUAR Y. 




Plate IV. ~A statue (also equestrian) for a great politician 
of foreign origin who rose from humble beginnings 
to great achievements. 

205 



CHAPTER XXVII. 

SOME ABORIGINAL IDEAS — VriSE MEN AT WORK — MOUND 
BUILDING FROM FORCE OP HABIT — SUBTERRANEAN 
MISCELLANY — THE LOST TRIBE THEORY WON'T DO — 
AUTOGRAPH SPECIMEN OF PICTURE WRITING — LIGHT 
AT LAST — PICTURESQUE HABITS OP THE INDIANS. 

The origin of the North American 
Indian has always been shrouded in the 
deepest mystery, and wise-heads of every 
age and clime have sought to tear aside 
the veil and show us our aboriginal brother 
in his true colors. 

Some of these learned gentlemen have 
carried their zeal to the extent of renting 
wigwams in the Indian country, and living 



PHILOSOPHERS AT WORK. 207 

among these primitive children of the forest, 
hoping, by dint of listening at key-holes, 
to overhear some remark dropped by them 
that would reveal where they emigrated 
from, but nothing came of it but premature 
baldness to the wise-head so investigating. 
Others again have comfortably settled 
down into the belief that these singular 
members of society are a revised edition of 
the strayed or stolen tribes of Israel that 
have so long been advertised for in vain. - 
In support of this theory the latter 
class of philosophers has dived into side 
hills, (supposed to have been thrown up by 
an eccentric race of Indians known as 
mound builders,) turning up every conceiv- 
able article of second-hand Indian miscel- 
lany, and asking the world to believe that 
these mysterious "mounds" were simply 



208 EXPLANATIONS. 

subterraneous pawnbroker's shops, built and 
conducted in obedience to a well-known 
national instinct, and that the articles they 
contain are nothing more nor less than unre- 
deemed pledges "left" by impecunious pre- 
historic ladies and gentlemen who were 
compelled to resort to that means of raising 
the wind. 

On page 209 our artist shows us the ex- 
ponents of the latter theory at work, and 
also gives us a singularly correct drawing 
of some of the bric-a-brac which they have 
unearthed. We will take the liberty of 
explaining further, and tell all we know 
concerning the supposed uses of these 
mysterious articles. 

A is supposed to be a surgical instru- 
ment. B, an instrument of torture. C, 
toilet article. D, lady's ear ornament. E, 




209 



210 INSUFFICIENT EVIDENCE. 

ancient drinking vessel. F, tombstone, with 
inscription. G, pottery. H, musical instru- 
ment. I, skull of native (deceased). 

In tlie lower series we have : No. 1 , 
artist's utensil. 2, uses unknown to the 
author. 3, patent hen's nest (badly out of 
repair). 4, vinaigrette. 5, projectile. 6, 
bracelet. 7, war club. 8, burglar's tool 
(very ancient). 9, cooking utensil. 

After going carefully over this array of 
evidence one naturally hesitates before look- 
ing further for a theory. But, taking for 
granted that the Indians really are a rem- 
nant of those mislaid Israelites, the diffi- 
culty next arises as to how the dickens 
they got here, for when the Israelites were 
first missed there was as yet no railway 
communication between this country and 
Asia, and unless they tunneled their way 



CULPABLE NEQLWENUE, 211 

up through, via China, it is difficult to 
account for their presence here. 

In common with other great minds, we, 
too, have devoted much of our spare time 
to the effort of setting our red brother on 
his legs before the world, and of tracing 
his footprints back through the ages, but 
until quite recently we have been uni- 
formly baffled. The fact is, our red 
brother ought really to have kept a diary. 
He would thus have saved us wise-acres 
much trouble and unnecessary expense. 
The next time we hope he will not over- 
look this important detail. 

As we said, all our efforts to trace the 
Indians back to their origin had failed 
until recently. We rejected the '^ rem- 
nant " theory after a fair trial. We com- 
pared this remnant with the original piece 



212 ON TEE RIGHT TRACK. 

Cso claimed), and found it a bad match, 
In tlie face of strong evidence we re- 
newed our efforts, wliicli were destined 
to meet witli reward, as will be seen pres- 
ently. 

A montli or two since it luckily occurred 
to us to address a letter to a skillful sachem, 
(who happens to be an acquaintance of 
ours, and is at present located out West,) 
upon this interesting subject. 

This gentleman, who is of the Choctaw 
persuasion, and was christened Gimme- 
chaivtyhachee^ {Billious Jake^ sent us a 
most courteous and comprehensive reply, 
which came to hand a few days since, and 
which covers the whole ground in the most 
lucid manner. We wonder we never 
thought of it before. 

We here insert Billious Jokers letter 




ai3 




214 



ABORIGINAL EGGENTRI0ITIE8. 215 

verbatim. It is a master-piece of composi- 
tion, and sets the matter forever at rest 
{Daily papers please copy,) 

Before changing the subject, we should 
really like to pictorially look into the 
habits of these strange victims of circum- 
stances. Examine page 214, if you please. 
In No. 1 we see a stony-hearted savage 
taking a very mean advantage of a white 
captive, and torturing him to death in the 
most horrible and deliberate manner. No. 
2, an early settler pursued by a native. 
No. 3, Indian barber. And lastly, in No. 
4, we have an Indian gentleman journeying 
towards the setting sun on dead-head prin- 
ciples. 

*' His faithf al dog shall bear him company." — Campbell. 



CHAPTER XXVIIL 

AMERICAN SCENERY. 

Few countries can boast such a variety 
of natural features as our own America. 

To the intelligent toui^ist of unlimited 
bank account this country affords abun- 
dant material for the study of nature with 
all the modern improvements, including 
gas, hot and cold water, and an elevator 
running every five minutes up to the fif- 
teenth floor. Terms invariably in advance. 

Our illustration on the opposite page 
conveys but a feeble idea of the magnitude 
of some of the wonderful freaks of nature 



218 NATURE'S DOINGS. 

which the tourist "doing" American is 
liable at any moment to stumble upon. 

In No. 1 we have the Mammoth Cave. 
It takes its name from the gentleman 
upon whose property it is located, and 
who uses it as a sub-cellar in Winter, 
and locks himself up in it during the 
tax-gathering season. Our illustration 
treats of the latter period. The Natural 
Bridge (No. 2) is a marvel of architecture, 
and is lavishly decorated with appropriate 
inscriptions. No. 3 hardly comes under 
the head of Natural Scenery., and would 
appear to be rather a sudden change from 
the sweet realms of nature to the busy 
haunts of men ; but contrast is everything, 
and we turn from this turbulent scene to 
one of delicious repose. No. 4, a Western 
prairie. Here the eye wanders off over a 



//////////// 219 

rich and varied landscape of level country, 
till finalljT- in the distance it encounters 
what ? a vast spider ? No. That is only 
the setting sun, as v^e ascertained in a private 
conversation with the artist. No. 5. We 
hardly know how to treat this matter. In 
writing about Niagara it is customary to 
either rush madly into poetry or break 
hysterically into exclamation points. We 
had heard a great deal about the awful 
majesty of Niagara Falls, and went there 
to obtain, if possible, a personal interview, 
intending to write it up in a style that 
would bankrupt our printer. We say we 
went there expecting much, but we found 
that the half had not been told us. If it 
had, we should have remained at home. 
Perhaps the least said about it the better. 



GRAFTER XXIX, 

BOMB WORD PAINTING ON THE SUBJECT OF THE AMERICAN 
EAGLE— THE AFFAIRS OF THIS STRANGE EVENTFUL 
HISTORY WOUND UP. 

A work of this nature would be incom- 
plete without some slight allusion to the 
American Eagle. With reference to that 
ornithological specimen, we may remark 
that the first century of his career has been 
an eventful one. His wings have from 
time to time been cropped by foreign foes 
in a style that has made it unnecessary as 
well as impossible to scorch them against 
the sun. His tail feathers have been ex- 
tracted bv internecine strife in a manner 




^.^^sgxaf/!t< 



^^JtASS0<^^ 



sn 



222 ''LAST SCENE OF ALL-^ 

that has made it extremly difficult for him 
to steer his majestic course amid the blue 
ether of Freedom, and his flight at times 
has been awkward and eccentric in the 
extreme. In short, the plumage has been 
plucked from various parts of his body by 
divers evil-disposed persons to such an ex- 
tent as to make aerial navigation in a rare- 
fied atmosphere an uncomfortable, not to 
say highly injurious pursuit. 

Notwithstanding all this we feel author- 
ized to inform the public that our national 
fowl is as tough as a boarding-house spring 
chicken ; that he will continue to roost at 
his present address until further notice, 
spreading his wings from the Atlantic to 
the Pacific, beneath the shadow of which 
all persons of good character are invited to 
come (references exchanged). Here every 



THIS 8TBAN0E EVENTFUL BISTOBT.'' 223 

one, from the peon to the prince, if not sat- 
isfied with 'his present situation, can find a 
refuge, and by strict attention to business 
become an Alderman of somebody else's 
native village and have canal boats named 
after him, or, (by very strict attention to 
business) even rise to be President* of 
the United States ! 



THE END. 



♦Note — Since the above piece of rhetoric went to press we 
have ascertained (quite accidentally) that persons are not 
eligible to this oflBce who have the misfortune to be bom 
abroad. Therefore we hastily append this postscript lest 
any unsuspecting peon or prince who might chance to read 
these pages be inveigled over here under a misapprehension. 
If he comes now it must be on his own responsibility. 















,^-^ ^<^ 





















^.^.#^ ^^ ^_% 




• o . ., > , o 






"oo^ 







,-0' 



,0 c 



^ ^- ''^^^ 












^^ -n^. 






'^<>> .^Vv^ 



.V 



xO o. 






^#5 



'?'^?^, 



.^ -7*/ 






..^ 



,0o^ 



>\» 



.0 o 









^<f 



/.s^-^^ 



•^A ^^ 



'%. ' 






---I 1 






'/?^f:!^C^: 








-bo^ 


J" 


l\ 


■v'^. 


'% 




V'V 


s ■ 









/• \^ 



•^ .. . .... 



A>' '^r, 









M 



"^^, v^' 



^^^^" 
.^^' •^^. 



,-N' 






^' u. 






^* .^^' 



.^^ "^'^- 



vO 



o'^-' 



"^ 



^- -x' 









-'-s-. 






^^.. <^^ 



-OO^- 



'•»>,. V 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




01 1 448 455 6 





